Inquiry

I'm not saying that I literally "died." I merely referred to the experience below as a "Near Death Experience" (NDE) (or sometimes an "Out-of-Body Experience" (OOB)) because at the time of my experience, I was only 22 years old and hadn't been formally introduced to any esoteric or mystical teachings or practices. The phenomenon was entirely alien to me when it occurred and had caught me by surprise. And though at first it was a wonderful experience, I soon became frightened and overwhelmed by it to the point of being panic-stricken, once I was totally engulfed in it. Thus, I could think of no other way of interpreting it other than as "dying."

It is not, of course, a genuine near-experience for the fact that I was healthy at the time and have no reason to believe that I would have suffered a mini-stroke or a heart attack or may have possibly gotten injured such as by a fall, gunshot wound, a blow to the head, or any other accident.

In addition, I wasn't taking any drugs or drinking at the time. Yet, it was indeed an altered state of consciousness. I've also been checked for psychosis and nearly every adult-onset personality disorder (including bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive compulsive order)--all of which have been ruled out in my case. That leaves me to conclude that it must have been a genuine transcendental, mystical, or peak experience of some kind but that I did not understand what was going on at the time and therefore became frightened by it. Below my personal experience are some articles that I've included to possibly explain how I could react so negatively to it while having it.

------------------------------------------

My Spontaneous Awakening

Today I listened to an interview with Sally Kempton, author of The Heart of Meditation: Pathways to a Deeper Experience on Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now: A Conversation with Sally Kempton who had an interesting story to relate which she described to be her official "spontaneous awakening." It is worth quoting at length, as it happens to describe with amazing precision and clarity a personal encounter or experience that I had on 31 December 1989 at the age of 22. Since the time of my experience, I have made attempts to put it down in writing from time to time but would quickly find that I would become frustrated in trying to relate such a mysterious, transcendent, and numinous--yet terrifying experience or encounter. Which, at the time of the experience--appeared to be an encounter with death. Therefore, perhaps, it is a classical example of what others have often described as a "Near-Death Experience." I therefore attempted to describe my experience in those terms whenever I would encounter someone who appeared to be a person of great learning, wisdom, or understanding and who, furthermore, seemed open and receptive to hearing such an out-of-the-ordinary experience.

One time, about a year after my experience or encounter with "death," I happened to confide my experience with a social worker or counselor who happened to be making weekly rounds to the shelter in which I was temporarily staying for a time. His reaction upon hearing my story was that it is fairly common for those who were in my situation to experience such hallucinations or so-called encounters with "death," which he explained to me were the after-effects of trauma or extreme violence. He therefore attributed my experience to "Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome" and dismissed it as imaginary. Yet whether real or imagined--it was still an experience. And it was an utterly radical experience. One which proved to be life-altering, life-affirming, instructive, and positively inspiring upon coming out of it and suddenly awakening from my bed to a realization that I was given one more opportunity at life. And relieved to know that I didn't have to abandon my baby, after all--who at the time was only three months old and really needed me. I remember being flooded by a feeling of deep gratitude and love while hugging my baby very tightly who was meanwhile peacefully asleep on the bed, next to me, like a tiny angel--just where i had left him. Along with it--a new-found sense or feeling of empowerment that I had never previously experienced in my life prior to this episode nor, for that matter--ever contemplated nor desired at that age: which was a sudden sense of release and nonattachment and freedom from the shackles of a harmful and violent relationship. There was a sense of 'letting go' and forgiveness and even pity--for the baby's father, who had hurt me.

From that moment on, I no longer felt the need to win the approval or affection of a deadbeat dad, my baby's father. So, in spite of my initial terror and close-encounter with "death," I found the experience to be truly liberating and positive. I was changed from that moment on.

Sally Kempton (paraphrased):

"I grew up on the East coast in the United States and was a journalist in New York during my 20s. I wrote for a lot of magazines including Esquire, The New Yorker, and for The New York Times. My official awakening happened quite spontaneously in my apartment. I was actually listening to a Grateful Dead record when I was totally flooded out of nowhere with a feeling of unconditional love which I had never experienced in that power and measure before and in which i had immediately realized everything that I ever longed for all my life. It was a state that lasted a couple of days and it really changed the way I lived my life. I had been writing sort of intense feminist articles on suffering and pain. From that moment on, I began actually doing a lot of inner self-exploration. My path led me to a couple of very full-on situations with meditative practices and in 1974 i met my teacher...."

That much is all I can come up with right now; but not the actual experience. Perhaps in relating this much, I can somehow connect to a wider network of associations and magical interconnections who can once again offer me their kindly assistance in conveying what is possibly mystical and beyond the scope of words to convey.

I still have the actual experience to relate. I appreciate all of those who have answered to my call for their assistance with inspiration and creative energy.

01 Aug 2008 2:43 PM Update:

Ok, I will give this a 'go' now and see how it goes...

31 December 1989

It was a chilly winter afternoon on New Year's Eve, 1989. I was really excited because this would be my "coming out" party or debut (so to speak) to return to the club scene and Valdosta "nightlife" out after seven months of being barefoot and pregnant, having a baby, and spending the next two months going back and forth with my baby's grandparents, Martie and Harold (whom the husband and I lived with), to the hospital to visit my baby, Tommy Taro--who was at the Level 2 intensive care unit for premies ever since he was born. Tommy was only 2 1/2 lbs. when he was born.

In November 1989--after two months of being in the ICU--we were finally able to bring Tommy home. It was a joyous occasion. We had almost lost Tommy. I was therefore preoccupied with only my baby over the next two months and learning how to be a "mommy."

By December and with the "danger zone" safely out of the way with my baby, I began to look forward to going out once again. Since the time of bringing bringing baby home from the hospital in November, I still very anxious so I did nothing after bringing Tommy home but hold him to nurse hime virtually at all hours of the day including bringing him to bed to sleep with me at night. Most nights, Tommy's father, Chuck, would be out with his friends partying at clubs, drinking beer, and smoking until the wee hours of the morning. Fortunately, Tommy's grandmother, Martie, was around to do all the housework so that I could focus exclusively on my baby.

Then December came around. Chuck began telling me about a New Year's Eve party that he was planning to take me to. This would be my first time going out in nearly a year and so I naturally became very excited. At the time, I couldn't drive so Martie (Chuck's mom--or Tommy's grandmother) took me to the mall in early December to buy an outfit for the occasion.

On New Year's Day, December 31, I was so full of anticipation and excitement that I started getting ready in the afternoon. We had already arranged for Martie to take care of Tommy that day, so that I could get ready for the party and go out.

I spent several hours that day pampering myself in luxury, giving myself the "full" "Calgon" treatment of a very long bath, a deep conditioning, shaving my legs, a pedicure--and then spent several more hours in front of the mirror putting on make-up, blow-drying my hair and then straightening my hair before I was finally satisfied with my "look." Still a good few hours away from Chuck's time of getting home (from "wherever he was at," since he never had a job) to pick me up, I was already all decked and ready to go several hours in advance, at around 5 o'clock, wearing my brand-new pretty outfit from the mall, a festive red dress, panty hose, and matching red heels. I looked absolutely stunning, I thought. Martie and Harold told me that, too.

Then the hours passed from 5 o'clock to 6 and then to 7, 8, 9, and then to 10 PM. I sat and waited and waited and paced back and forth and kept looking out the window into the driveway to see his van pull up the whole time. By 10:30 or so, Martie became sympathetic and was apologizing to me and telling me how sad she was that Chuck never showed up. By 11 o'clock, I gave up and got undressed. I took Tommy out of his crib and I went to sleep crying in bed while holding Tommy; thinking at the time how I wanted to die.

The next thing I knew--my body began to slowly levitate from the bed, as if I were slowly rising upward and suspended in thin air. As I continued to float upward over my bed, I became engulfed by a feeling of well-being and sensation of unconditional love. Of being unconditionally loved, that is. By whom, or what? I did not know. But one thing was absolutely certain: It was an experience of this big love which was utterly radical, and of total acceptance. I was totally amazed and overwhelmed that I could be so loved and accepted so unconditionally--just as I was. Suddenly, everything was absolutely fine just as it was and I was no longer experiencing the agony or grief and turbulence from moments before, when I was on the bed crying. As I continued floating upward, the peace and tranquility and big love grew increasingly larger. I could go on this way forever, if I wanted.

Then--I suddenly remembered my baby on the bed down below who was all by himself. As soon as this thought occurred to me, I was immediately stricken with alarm and by a feeling of panic and terror as I suddenly began gasping for air, as if I were dying. I knew at that moment that I had to "come down" and return to the bed immediately where my baby was but didn't know "how." I remember spending several minutes (or hours?) struggling with gravity or whatever as I continued and fight and claw my way down, trying desperately to beat the clock and "get back down" on the bed where my body was meanwhile lying, motionless.

Then the next thing I knew, I was fully awake on my bed next to Tommy, who was meanwhile still sound asleep, just where I had left him. At the time, however, I was convinced that I had never fallen asleep whatsoever and that all of this had occurred while being totally awake and fully conscious. But now, with the passage of time, I am no longer certain any more. At any rate, what I do distinctly remember upon returning and spontaneously awakening was a feeling of deep gratitude and love. And also peace and contentment. There was no longer a feeling of agony, resentment, or grief anymore--only happiness and only a feeling that everything was absolutely fine, just the way it was. I knew where my priorities were and they were with my son, not with Chuck. In addition, from that moment on, the immense power and control that my husband had once wielded over me unrelentlessly from moments prior back to four years before had suddenly diminished down to almost nothing. Indeed, because of this experience, I was able to have the courage eventually leave my husband, learn how to drive (to some extent) and to go back to college with a 0 GPA and graduated Magna Cum Laude. I felt that college was necessary because I wanted to be a positive influence on my son--who atthe time didn't have any immediate relatives who went beyond high school. As such, I felt that it was up to me to show him by example. Things I could never imagine doing on my own prior to the time of my experience and spontaneous awakening, as it were. Meanwhile, Tommy has graduated Valedictorian and is now entering college this month as a freshman. So I am grateful for the experience and feel fortunate that I was able to encounter death and learn the lesson from "beyond." Without which--I may have continued clinging on to a harmful and violent relationship at the expense of everything--including my son.

WALK! WALK, WALK! NOW, WALKING, WALK!

(Home movie, circa 1993, ~2 min.)

Please click on link above and scroll past the post (which is identical to this one) to the video of my son below the post.  The sound quality of this video is poor so here's the basic plot. 

In it is Tommy, age 3 or 4, running back and forth between his cousin, Danielle, age 6 or 7, who is meanwhile preoccupied with a ball and tossing it back and forth between one hand and the other while his grandpa, Harold, 60, is squatting on the ground and videotaping the film.  Meanwhile, Tommy runs back and forth between each person, smacking both, and orders each of them to "WALK!" 

When both of them ignore his demands, he continues to run back and forth several times between Danielle and his grandpa and commands each of them to "WALK! WALK, WALK!  Now, WALKING WALK!," as he begins throwing a tantrum and stomping his feet on the ground in protest and smacking them, as they continue to ignore his demands. 

Finally, after a few rounds of this tirade, Danielle quits playing with ball and says,

"Tommy, you do not have to tell me what to do and you do not have to tell him what to do!  Now, we don't have to walk!"

Tommy:

"WALK!"

Danielle:

"No."

(goes back to playing with ball)

Tommy:

"But I WANT you to walk..."

Danielle:

"I'm standin' right here [...] It's too dangerous to walk out there I ain't goin' out in that sign."

(continues playing with ball)

"Tell HIM to walk."

Tommy:

"But he's not GONNA walk.  Now WATCH him!"

(runs back to grandpa and smacks him)

WALK WALK!

At which point the camera goes off the air momentarily as Harold puts down his video camera to give Tommy a smack on the behind for spanking him.

The movie picks back up moments later, after Tommy has just received a spanking for spanking his grandpa and Danielle while sobbing and explaining through sobs why he's crying.

Can you believe this little guy is about to turn 19?? He just started college yesterday. I'm soo glad that Tommy and Katie are going to college together. Then he won't feel so alone or scared like I was, when I was 19.

-------------------------------------------------

Associated Clinical Problems
Case studies document instances where mystical experiences are disruptive and distressing. This is one type of spiritual problem that therapists see regularly. In a survey, psychologists reported that 4.5% of their clients over the past 12 months brought a mystical experience into therapy (4).

I've had (or been had by?) two or three "eureka" moments - a kind of intellectual illumination that arrives like lightening bolts of direct intuitive knowing... The first involved a sudden recognition of what I later learned to be the Teilhard de Chardin's evolutionary vision: the evolving universe is the process of God's own self-realization. The second was a direct apprehension of what I now call the paradoxical nature of reality. And the third was the shocking realization that almost all of the parables of Jesus in the New Testament (30 out of 33) have a paradox in their deep narrative structure... which then eventually became a doctoral dissertation. John St. Perse puts this process of sudden intuitive insight as well as anyone, “the mechanics of discovery are neither logical nor intellectual. It’s a sudden illumination, almost a rapture. Later, to be sure, intelligence analyses and experiments confirm (or invalidate) the intuition. But initially there is a great leap forward of the imagination.” (in Crossan, Dark Interval, p.31)

-- "Become passers-by" (Jesus of Nazareth)

it is aug 17, 1995 .. five days after my 40th birthday .. i sit in the grass in the park with my martha smock book 'halfway up the mountain' .. copying out my highlighted parts onto index cards

things like .. god is good, life is beautiful and i am truly blessed .. i cheerfully risk everything because i have nothing to lose .. expanding and glowing with joy and love for everyone and everything .. the universe filled with the presence of god, nothing to fear for he that is for u is greater than that which is against u .. i am able to let go, be transformed, start anew .. i calmly allow god's spirit within me to take over .. god your sure and shining light in the heart of my being

i open the carton of cigarettes i had just purchased .. crack open a fresh crisp pack .. slide one out and place it between my lips .. and as i light it i become overwhelmed by an extremely strong intuition that this is the last cigarette i will ever smoke in my entire life

yeah right i laugh as i smoke it .. and still it feels like the last one and i don't know why .. i just bought a new carton .. why would this be my last cigarette ?

the sky so pretty .. clear sweet blue with wisps and swirls of white like fairies and angels dancing and twirling in the breeze .. and there is one over in the distance .. she looks like she is doing the yoga boat in the sky .. a line of light shooting directly out of her heart into infinity

and watching all this splendor and activity in the skies above .. i begin to erupt .. to take wing .. to mount and rise .. boundless .. free .. effortlessly joining in the swirling twirling gliding rapturous laughing dance flying

*

i carried that package of cigarettes with one missing in my purse for a month and the carton sat in my freezer for a few months before i realized it was true that it really was my last cigarette

no nick-fits nothing

to me a pure miracle for which am forever grateful

During the second day of a two month trip to China to study Mandarin, I had a very enjoyable pot of green tea in a cute teahouse overlooking the city.  I felt very good, and was walking back to my dorm, trying to come up with something to do to keep this good feeling going.  Suddenly, I was struck by the absurdity of the thought that there was anything to do.

I stopped midstep on a sidewalk next to a busy street and just stood there for about 20 minutes, and for the first time in my life I felt that there was nothing to do and nowhere to go.  Everything was just fine.

However, my mind stayed completely active the whole time, thinking about movies, homework, etc.  My mind still thought that there was something to do, but I was not attached to my mind.  About 20 minutes later the experience faded and I went home.

This experience was powerful for me because afterwards I stopped fighting my mind and learned to just let go of it.

One day, after a councilors session, I decided that it was a beautiful day so I took a stroll down to the Pike Place Market in Seattle.

I decided that I would take the afternoon to experience something beautiful with each one of my traditional 5 senses.  For taste, there was a booth giving free samples of various types of honey, and the sweetness made love to my tounge.

For my vision, there was plenty to choose from.  Aside from the sweet attractive women and the art and the flowers the sky over the Seattle waterfront can be quite beautiful.

For my nose, smelling the flowers and the food filled my olfactory bulb with enough beauty to make up for the fresh seafood.

Touch was a little harder.  I spent some time, and eventually found a fabric store.  I love velvet, and gave my fingers something to tingle about.

And then the last, hearing.  The first musical act I came across happened to be an acapella quartet of black soul singers, who were clapping and dancing and belting out "This Little Light of Mine."  

I had filled all 5 senses with beauty, and the embrace was so profound that I fell to the ground crying from happiness.  

The glow lasted me for quite a few days to come, as well. 

Hmm, well I was in deep sleep and not particularly conscious of that fact.  Then I popped out into a high subtle state in which rings of light/emotion/experience where rolling over my vision in a multi-sensory type way.  They were moving out to a point directly in front of me of indeterminate distance, but visually it was the vanishing point as I interpret it.  It was exactly a point for it had no dimension.  These rings got smaller and smaller as they approached the point until they themselves were just that point.  Then they reemerged from the point in a way that they both projected out beyond the point and reflected back towards me.  There was no difference between them going out beyond the point, or reflecting back, that is merely an after the fact perspectival interpretation.

I began manipulating and controlling the ring waves, controlling their velocity, their rhythm.  Then I chose to end them all together.  I took the final ring wave and collapsed it to the point.

When I did this an uninhibited, unrestricted, undifferentiated pure energy was released from the base of my spine.  It traveled straight up my back and escaped out of the crown of my head.  It was pure white.  I was the light.

Immediately afterwards I woke up.

Woah, I said to myself and went about my day...

My two deepest experiences so far have been Yoga Nidra (being aware while in deep sleep) and what now seems to me Kundalini awakening while doing meditation.

This last experience was the most profound one (Yoga Nidra is "easier" to reach in my opinion).

It was shortly after I was starting to get the right posture while meditating. When I was doing the body relaxation I already noticed a subtle joy while focusing in the area of my lower chakra. Then I started with the breathing, Nadi Shodonam, then awareness of third eye / inner eye and the growing energy in Sushuma channel. Untill now all normal.

In the mind field, I started to witness thoughts arising, its coloring (desires/aversions) and what was causing this coloring. I was unaffected by the coloring of thoughts, emotions, memories letting them go gently. It was like the Witness was smiling of pride, then I observed that this pride was in fact my ego, false identity (not the Witness) I started to witness the ego itself trying to silence himself (obviously without success!), I was witnessing with the serenity and joy that the third eye + Sushuma channel energy provide. It seemed to me this fight of ego against itself could be never ending...

Then the deep OM mantra sound happened (in a tape to signal the end of the 30 minute meditation). Suddently my mind was stopped, caught in one of those transition moments during the OM vibration, I entered the space of silence and a burst of energy and white light started to shine inside my whole body, with an incredible feeling of Joy. I instantly knew by intuition what I was trying to discover unsuccesfully with rationality.

All was so clear I will never forget those insights. Obviously it was not enlightment, nor samadhi. Now I think it was an accidental Kundalini awakening caused by the OM sound, and this energy helped me to go deeper in my meditation and go beyond Mind.

This is it.
Love,
David

--

Ann  Ralston

30 Deiningdal

Strand 7140

South Africa

For Integral Life