Inquiry

What I find interesting is that when one side of the tension, either autonomy or communion, is moved/exercised/grows there is energy freed up for the the other side of the tension to either move/exercise/grow at the same pace. And, if one side of the dynamic goes too far without the other one, the balance of tension is lost, and it seems like the 'magic of it all' disappears. I guess it's simple, too much of a good thing not good. As Terry Patten commented, it's easier to run alternating between left and right feet, vs hoping on one foot.

My relational edge is healthy monogamy, or maybe, vital monogamy...what in the heck is that?  And trying to do that when one has young children at home as well.  But to bracket the children piece for a moment.  I was born and raised in an intentional community that practiced, in some cases, the type of open-marriage that is explored in the Stuart Davis clip.  This practice existed in the case of my family.  So, my early imprinting included a fair bit of seductive energy unwittingly absorbed.  The positive side of this is that I have perhaps fewer sexual hang-ups than some other folks might have.  The downside is that this early experience did not prepare me for mature monogamy, and did not prepare me emotionally for long-term relationships.  And, btw, almost every single one of these open-marriages in the commune ended in divorce.  Even David Deida suggests monogamy in almost all cases these days.  So, my relational edge is to bring the aliveness of sexuality into the one-to-one bond (not bondage!) of marriage.

Even more to the point: long-term relationships hinge on attachment dynamics.  Affective and interpersonal dynamics are as important as sexual dynamics.  And my upbringing did not prepare me for healthy affective and interpersonal dynamics, that's for sure, although my later education and perspicacity in self-development has really helped. 

I do feel proud that my efforts to address this area of my life are beginning to bear fruit.  Not long after I had an initial satori experience that really opened up my energy centers , I became attracted to a woman who was not my committed partner. (My committed partner knows this and we have discussed this, so I am not spilling the beans online .).  This woman was also attracted to me (I think she may have gotten over it now ).  It has taken several years, but not long ago I was able to attend a late-night entertainment event with this woman (with the ok from my partner), and remained the complete gentleman throughout.  After needing to affectively and interpersonally distance myself from her for a few years (while being unaware of the subconscious reasons I had done so), I have now been able to successfully re-engage her as friend.  Turns out my partner likes her too -- they are becoming friends.  So this is a very good thing, and what it means to me is that I have been gradually integrating vitality into my life in a healthy way, rather than needing to either disconnect from it, on the one hand, or act out inappropriately on it, on the other.

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Durwin Foster

durwinfoster@gmail.com

Learning to dive deep in the ocean of the feminine, holding the boudaries to feel tge ectasy to feel fully alive by the sensation of a calm and peacefull death.

By opening my heart and keeping my strenght even when I don't understand and I drive my self crazzy with the beaty of feminine unbalance.

--  of an egg that keeps breaking outward revealing newer and newer shells peeling apart like onion layers of space and time and here i am on the far side.

"i never wanted to join the military.  why would i?  they dont let you start out being a general.  i was geneal at birth.  i started without a body i remember clearly.  overtime became this."

i do not date.  i flirt.  i have no sense of intimacy because god is my wife.  were it were so so.  my body my body whatever i do that the IS with my body ce' tres divine.

Whenever I find myself in relationship with people who act without being conscious of where their motivations or behavior is coming from, I stop dead in my tracks until they become more conscious. If they are interested in becoming conscious, then I can't get close enough to them. If they are not interested, then I contract. Each time I'm traumatized by another failed relationship with a non-conscious person, I contract harder and deeper. I still haven't recovered from this last time that it happened and that was New Years.

I need to be able to keep my attention on my own behavior, impulses, feelings, etc so I can be authentic. But if the behavior, impulses & feelings of the other person become too distracting by either hurting me or confusing me, then I can't pay attention to what is going on with me. When my attention is on them all the time, then I fall into the trauma scenario that doesn't sustain healthy and satisfying relationship. It sustains a kind of guardianship that I don't remember signing up for.

Also, what arises in me when someone is acting in a way that hurts or confuses me is my own Judgmental Self; an aspect of my Protector who knows when something is dangerous. I love my Protector, but I don't love my Judgmental Self. In fact, I hate it. So when someone I'm in relationship does something and my Judgmental Self comes up in response, I instantly leave the moment in order to clamp that down. I can't be with them because I can't be with myself. I believe that the distance was created by them by doing something rude. Even when it is true that they did something that flies in the face of shared value, I also participated in creating distance and I need to own that. But that is part of my trauma.

It is suicide to create distance from your Parent when you are totally dependent on them. Think of a Baby Monkey clinging to its Mother's tummy while Mommy climbs through the trees. But while Mommy is climbing in the trees and picking fruit for them both to eat, she is also poking Baby Monkey in the eye and pinching her. What is Baby Monkey to do in that situation? That's the situation I grew up in and when I'm in relationship and I feel a poke or pinch, I instantly become Baby Monkey. If I'm with someone who just did what Mommy Monkey used to do I require them to become conscious of what is going on with them so that I can be supported in getting out of the unconscious dance. If they don't, I become trapped in it with them because I dissociate and I can't get out of my own prison. I need a we-space of consciousness in order to recover from my trauma.

This is a very difficult problem as it is difficult to find potential friends and partners who are willing/able to be that conscious. But as difficult as that has been, it is even harder to become free from the need for them to become more conscious. Most people sleep-walk through life and are perfectly imperfect and lovable. My ex-husband's current wife is very happy with him! LOL But my own propensity to escape the moment is what I am having the hardest time overcoming. The pain of remaining is completely disabling and I CANNOT function at those times. It can take up to 3 days to recover from an episode if it ends properly. If it is ongoing and inescapable, I cannot recover at all and my mood and health steadily declines.

My current boyfriend is wonderful and a really good sport about this recovery thing and is playing with me as I make myself act on a deeply shadowed impulse that I don't feel and can't even find in myself but makes me recoil when I see it in others. Lovers with a sense of play about such serious things are worth their weight in gold.