Reclaiming Myself

 Here I sit at the desk again wanting to type something but feeling like I have nothing good to say.  Nothing worth reading.

Gee, that sounds familiar...Where have I heard that voice before?

A slow, black, oily, viscous, suffocating darkness has consumed me over the years.  What is this?  Why is this happening?  If only I could identify the problem.  Shadow.  Elusive nothingness.  Swarms of invisible negativity.  A virus 

What is this?

I have repressed my masculinity.  What does it mean to have healthy masculinity?  I don't know.  As I type I feel better acknowledging it.  AHA!!! I'VE FOUND YOU, YOU SNEAKY BASTARD!!!!!  

Did you?  How do you know?  

I am reclaiming me.  I have seen you hundreds of times and...

Clever wasn't I.

 Very.  I suppose you're proud of yourself.

You know it!  I even gave you hints.  Popped up and smacked you in the face, tapped you on the shoulder and even stood right in front of you!  

Yeah, yeah.  Blah-dee-blah.  

Make your move.

It's time to re-integrate what it means to be...A MAHYAN!  Before I start, you forgot to mention that over Christmas I got kicked in the junk.

HA!  That's right and your little blue book said that the affirmation was that "it is safe to be a man"!!!!  HAHAHAHA!!!  Not ONLY that but it was the right almond!  Double whammy!  The masculine side of the masculine [quoting Kung Fu Panda]"tenders"!!!  Yeah it was tender alright.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Done?

....HAHaha ha ha...ahh.  Yeah.

Some how I've never been confident in who I am.  Never fully safe to be me.  Being understood on many levels and relating to many people but never feeling whole.  Due to the conflicts that my Dad and I have shared it was natural to go in the opposite direction.  He was ____ therefore I will do the opposite.  I have used my feminine side as my rebellion against the Neanderthal Male.  I've been so focused on NOT wanting to portray the negative/unhealthy side of the masculine namely the Domination aspect that I've lost myself to the feminine which now has also been consumed by the Dark Side of the Force.

Now my task is to reestablish both of the healthy types within me.  When I've felt the most balanced I've always gravitated more toward the feminine.  60% Feminine/40% Masculine.  Now that I've recognized that over the past couple years I've almost fully denied the masculine, especially within the past year, it's time to Be it.

Good luck with that.  You even said yourself that you didn't know what it means to have healthy masculinity.

Perhaps.  I will use the tools I have to the best of my ability.  Integral gives a basic understanding of healthy and unhealthy types so I will start there.  In the very least they will be simple guide post to which I can keep true to my path to being a fully healthy individual.