2 BUT NOT 2 and Further Verity of Truth

 Since about yesterday, I've been starting feel weak.  Today, I'm weaker.  I'm also starting to think like a child and becoming more on the verge of tears.

 http://www.myspace.com/barbiplease

Last song: "one by _"

I remember feeling this way one time before.  Like just before or just after meeting Satan.  Also, for that past 3 or 4 days I wouldn't take a bath but I finally took one last night.  

I had another insight that I wanted to post but began feeling too weak to post it.  I remember the last time, I felt like I was supposed to stay like that way and not do anything about it and continue my work even though I was  getting weak because I was supposed to for some reason.  Then, too, I was forgetting to get my cytomel refill and I didn't take any for about a month.  I just kept forgetting each day to go.  I think this relates well to i forgot whose name it is who preached of like becoming a child and forgetfulness before one can enter the kingdom..

I think the reason I am feeling weak is because beginning about 2 weeks ago, I started taking one instead of 2 cytomels per day (thyroid replacement hormone because i don't have a thyoid gland after it was radiated off after Graves' disease at 29).  I'm suppsed to take 2 and i should know that because I've been on this medication for years--but for some reason, I started thinking 2 weeks ago or i don't know, i started thinking the prescription said only take one every day.

And then about a week ago, I ran out.  I've been meaning to go get a re-fill since my mother wrote a check for me to get it, but I kept forgetting to go get it.  She would kill me if she knew this.

So anyway I was very weak and child-like about an hour ago and suddenly began to think that the very last song on my myspace page, called "one by _" for some reason but it is not the correct name for this song--means God.  But because of Uncertainty Principle of the universe, however--the song, if you listen to the words, could also mean that I am all alone and writing all alone.  But that I am writing from the heart.  And that God wanted me to figure out the lyrics and write it down.  But that what I would hear would be different from the lyrics, but that I would be writing from the heart.

I couldn't figure out if the song was in reference to just me and I will be all alone for the rest of my life or maybe it was in reference to "One" like all is one in God.  That is how Uncertainty principle works.  That is how Teal works.

So I was doing as asked, listening to the song and writing down the lyrics, and then I started feeling too weak to type.  I thought maybe i should keep going on but thought the universe and the incursion of dynamics will intervene if it has to in spite of not being able to keep up with the lyrics in typing and getting confused and having a hard time.  Then suddenly, the shockwave player for both the music and my stage of development on the right-hand side of the computer screen above crashed and turned black with pictures of a face of dead person with eyes crossed out with x x meanin dead indicating Shockwave player crash and the music stopped, like I was told to go get my medication by the universe.  So I went and got it.  I took a picture of the crash, and you will see that both shockwave players are black.  

I remember last night when telling i think Astrid or Anna or someone that I have a sliding picture screen on myspace that used to have moving pictures that slid, but that suddenly about whenever all of this stuff started happening a few days ago, the pictures no longer work on it and the photo slide is blank, but teal. Maybe just my computer; i don't know on others.  Normally, it is a blankness that is "teal" in colour, to represent my stage of development of immature integral, but when i was telling them about the pictures disappering and the photostream being blank, I accidentally typed "black" but corrected it back to blank.  Because at the time it was blank, but teal.

When it turned black from the shockwave crash--I also suspected that due to Uncertainty Principle and randomness and dynamics of the universe, that the blackness could mean anything: permission from the universe to stop work to go get meds, black indicating death death, dying to God, or  the somnolence of Gebser's one-dimensional magic, which refers to mystery and darkness but child-like consciousness.

I used to think i was indigo/Coral or something because I wanted to be better than anyone, but realized today that I am only teal which is only the first stage of integral and immature integral.  Because the profile page--the colour combinations i detest, are mostly yellow but doesn't go with the photostream colour, which is teal.  But i left it that way because i thought I was  supposed to for some reason.  Now I think it means that I am Yellow/Teal.  Same  thing for my room:  I was in the middle of a painting project of using various monotones of Coral to paint my kitchen and room, but then I kept changing my mind about the shades and my dad intervened and took over the job to finish it, but he painted it yellow which I detest.  But left a strip of Coral at the top of the room per my mother's request to teach me a lesson about or remind me how something I did bad.  So it's an ugly combination of colours, and my blog on myspace used to be Coral, but I think I am Teal.  Which is fine; you are where you are, after all.  You can't help that.  At least, I'm integrating so am an immature integrating integral who will integrated fully into mature integral Turquoise but for now I'm immature Teal.  If not me, someone else.

And that is fine.  Because I know that this is just my brain/mind and body with a Teal consciousness--but that ultimately, I am clear light or transparency shining of God down and filtering through this immature Teal body.  Clear Light is the highest stage on KW's stages representing highest stage, on third tier.