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Notes from Northside Rehab

Posted October 30th, 2009 by barbi hammond
Something that I had failed to mention in my previous encounter with the individual who identified himself as "Satan" was a feeling in my heart (in addition to weird sensations in my head).  I believe that this feeling was true love.  I do not know why I totally omitted that portion of the experience and focused only on sensations in my head.  Possibly, I found it too embarrassing at the time to mention.  The following is a report of my second encounter with Satan (or whoever it was) and then my stay at a mental or rehab facility.
 
Approximately one week ago at around 5 AM, I was caught by police and taken to the Northside Rehab mental facility for walking around my neighborhood in the nude.  This was immediately following my second encounter with Satan or God (or whoever) and feeling distraught and forsaken at the time of their departure.  
 
Something I should point out is that it just so "happened" that I decided to "experiment" with cocaine a week prior upon running out of Adderall, being on PMS, and feeling very tired.  I therefore tested positive on a drug test.  However, I was neither drunk nor high at the time of the incident.  As before, I was totally sober except being on my period and smoking a little pot.  Pot does not normally make me "hallucinate" nor does it cause me to take off my clothes and go streaking out in public.  Nor does being on my period. I therefore consider this experience (as before) to be an authentic spiritual encounter.  And with the exception of ADHD meds, I am not in the habit of abusing drugs. 
 
I believe that the Universe sent me to rehab to teach me a lesson and had to make me do something drastic such as streaking in order to get me into rehab.  This was necessary also in order to quit smoking cigarettes, start exercising, become a vegetarian, and to use my ADHD meds as prescribed and not abuse them any more.  Something that I realized from this encounter was that I was becoming possessed by space (e.g. material possessions such as my body, face, and drugs).  When people become demonically possessed by space, they lose their souls to inanimate objects in the spatial world.  There is possibly a new race of humanoid that lack souls, and are becoming robotic or machine-like in character with no capacity for love.  It was a frightening feeling, that of not feeling any love in my heart and thinking only about things and feeling machine-like.  For this reason, I would like to change my request to the Universe from "something" to "true love."
 
For the past week I have been on a nicotine patch and smoke-free.  I have also been a vegetarian and have been exercising daily by walking up and down the corridors day after day at the facility nearly all my waking hours for my proprioceptive.  It is difficult not to smoke but have no intention of going back after being smoke-free for nearly a week and having no other options left to me, I feel.  
 
I plan to continue this new lifestyle, but must rest my legs for a day to give my muscles a rest.  I'm to the point of extreme soreness and walking with a limp so should give it a break, I think.  Unless I'm supposed to keep on walking until I collapse.  I do not know what is expected of me.  I am hoping that it is not too late for me to change.  At first I thought that I was supposed to take off all make-up and clothes and walk naked out in the natural world.  This was in order to be humble before God or the Universe.  I do not have the best body in the world; so being naked before the Universe out in nature to me is very humbling.  Now I think that walking with clothes on is acceptable, except with no make-up on.  Unless it happens to be that in my particular case, all hope is lost for my salvation.  But am no longer deluded into thinking that by simply walking naked out into nature, that I will get to go to Heaven as I thought the other day.
 

The following notes were written over the course of 6 days, from 23 October  to 28 October, while at a mental facility in Thomasville, GA., immediately after my second encounter with Satan or God.  Additional details have been added here and there to my original notes for clarity:

 
Day 1
 
I saw Satan or God, who I think flew in from the window or simply appeared in the kitchen unannounced.  I did not feel anything in my heart as I recall feeling the last time.  All I could think about was how beautiful my body, face, and hair were becoming and not him.  Then, after Satan or God transformed me into the most beautiful creature that I had ever beheld, I defiled my body by putting on make-up, fixing my hair, painting my toe nails and finger nails, and dressing up into a mini dress and boots.  I wanted to see how much "better" I could "look" before going to Heaven.  
 
Not only did I look better, I was suddenly no longer tired and was full of energy.  My scoliosis was gone.  My breast implants were gone.  I was suddenly left-handed.  My vision--previously perfect--became suddenly blurry up close yet normal from afar (not sure whether that means "far-sighted" or "near-sighted").  I became taller and younger.  My hair, once long, dull, and frizzy--was suddenly long, curly, and shiny.  I looked more Asian in the face, but much younger.  The wrinkle that I used to notice between my eyes was gone.  I was very clumsy, yet graceful and giggly.  I felt that the Universe wanted me to keep my hair curly to represent all races, including the black race. 
 
Amazed at this new transformation, I decided to walk to my parents' house defiantly at 5 o'clock in the morning with a lit joint in my hand to wake them up to show them my "new look" before departing from this Hell-hole forever.  I was therefore taken aback and very astonished that they could not acknowledge the miraculous changes that were made to my body and face which I felt to be so obvious.  It then dawned on me that they could not even see the transformation, a miracle, at all.  Not even the scoliosis that was miraculously "gone" when I bent over and ran my hand down my very straight back to "show them."  They simply looked at me unmoved as if I were physically unchanged.  As if they were completely blind or dead to miracles or had become so soulless or robotic that they could no longer have a perception of miracles even were they to occur.  As if their souls were dead.  
 
And then without commenting anything whatsoever about the miracle that took place with my body and face (something I considered so obvious), they accused me of doing drugs, and they began to scare me.  So I ran out of there and began crying, and telling them they were scaring me.  They followed me to my house and my mother demanded to see inside my purse, to search for drugs.  I handed it to her, and she found the money that she gave me to get my prescription for Adderall filled, and she took it, saying was her money.
 
They finally left and I went back into my house, frightened to tears by own parents.  Satan came to me telepathically and said that he did not feel any love in my heart as he had felt in my heart the last time he was there, and flew away.  And just before departing, shook his head and said, telepathically, "we created you into something perfect, and you had to go and put on make-up" (or something to that effect).  I felt very ashamed.   
 
What good was this new body to me without a soul, or without love?  I thought to myself.
 
REalizing suddenly what I had done, I took off all clothes and washed off all trace of make-up in the shower.  I then scraped off my fingernail and tonail polish nervously with a knife until a few of my fingers and toes began to bleed, as I did not have any nail polish remover.  I then pleaded with them to take me with nothing on in anguish and hair dripping wet and naked from the shower, and then noticed in horror that one of my toes still had a speck of nail polish on.  I could not get it to come off.  I thought about taking off my tonail and had even contemplated cutting off my toe.  Then I walked out into nature with nothing on, hoping they would take me and thinking that the house itself was evil and that I could no longer stay there.
 
All I remember is wanting to leave this Hell and go on to Heaven, whether in life or in death.  I felt that by their departure, I was left alone to live in Hell forever with material things and with no soul with all the other soulless beings, including parents.  Who scared me and who scare me.
 
[Additional notes]:
 
I am having difficulty focusing because I am now banned from the guest house and am having to type in my parents' house with my parents walking around me and distracting me.  I am in need of assistance for concentration so will go ahead and post this portion of the post.  Hardly anyone seems to be reading this.  I hope that the Universe will help me.  No one seems to care.  This is very scary.
 
Needless to say, my parents think that i am completely nuts now.  There is no way that they will understand what has happened.  They want me committed somewhere.  They think I lied to get out of this one and have no positive words to say whatsoever about my quitting smoking.  It feels evil in this house.
 
Days 2-6
 
[Things that I scratched out will be typed with a strikethrough, although I do not know whether they were written by mistake at the time or were meant to be a typo as "not a mistake."  I think they were my mistakes.]
 
Dear Universe,
 
I am unworthy of going to Heaven.  I became possessed by space somehow since the time that Satan (?) arrived (not his fault).  It is my fault due to confusing Satan with another becoming possessed by my body and face and hair when they gave me a new one (body).
 
I want to be worthy of Heaven.  I took off all make-up, nail polish, and clothes.  Please make my heart pure so that I can feel love in my heart like I did the last time please!
 
Not feeling anything in my heart is scary to me!  I still do not feel love.  Help me please!  I just want to go home and feel love!
 
What my ? created for me was perfect.  I didn't need to change it with make-up and stuff.  And also, I want to feel love much more than to have beauty.  Please blind me if you must or take it away. 
 
I think it is fading back to normal any way.  Maybe it never happened (the physical transformation or miracles).  But something happened.
 
I believe that the Universe sent me here in order to detox from ciggies and to develop an exercise regimen for meditation/spiritual practice.  For me, it is walking meditation.  I walk and walk and walk up and down the corridors until my left foot gives out in pain.  At first I tried walking naked inside my room back and forth by my bed, but there was not enough room for me so had to put on clothes and walk out in the halls.  Please help my foot get better so that I can walk normally again.  This is good for my proprioceptive, accordion to brbrb.
 
 
I know I do not want to stay here.  The last time (2007), I felt something in my heart, but I was too embarrassed to admit it.  
 
I thought I was supposed to dance around trees; I didn't know where to go [referring to this time].  So I went to every tree around my block.  The group of black boys that I walked by around the corner did not notice me walking by them even though I was naked, and kept on talking as if I were invisible.  I therefore thought that I was invisible and that the Universe was protecting me.
 
[Additional notes]:
 
Continuing my walk, two cars passed by me and kept on going without slowing down. As if everyone I passed appeared to not take notice of me even though I was naked.  This made me feel free to be able to frolick or walk about naked with no one noticing me out in public.  By that point I was thoroughly convinced that the Universe was protecting me.  
 
As I approached around half-way around my block, however, a police car approached, slowed down, and then stopped.
 
As the car doors opened to the police car, I immediately darted off across the ditch and ran across the baseball field behind my house to get away from them.  The police officers then got back into their car and chased me down in their car across the field.  By the time they caught up, an ambulance had arrived on the scene.  EMTs or police grabbed me, covered me in a sheet and would not let me go, and put me on a stretcher.  
 
Feeling the necessity to continue moving whatever happened (even if trapped) and feeling that everyone around me was demonically possessed by space, I shook my wrists vigorously back and forth to ward off the evil of space lest I succomb to space and become possessed like them.  I refused to look at the men and refused to speak to them when they asked me questions.  They attempted to take blood or stick me with a needle, which I refused to let them do by moving my wrists and arms furiously never stopping for even a brief moment lest I too become demonically possessed.  I felt as if I were struggling for my soul. 
 
They did manage to take my blood pressure and pulse while all this was going on, which was 90 something/60 something and a pulse of 56.  This was immediately after being chased by cops, running across a field at full speed, and all the while still moving furiously about by flapping wrists and hands while they were taking my vitals.  A pulse of 56 is highly unusual for me.  And of late, my blood pressure had been running high at 120/89 or something for some reason.  Normally, my pulse is over 100 even at rest although my blood pressure is not normally high.  
 
They then made a radio report of me, a "forty or forty-one year old female..."  And that was when it occurred to me that they, too, were perhaps blind to the miraculous changes that had been made to my face and body by Satan or God.  I have never had a pulse of 56.  Yet the fact that they could guess my age correctly perplexed me, as I have never been guessed to be my age.  With the changes that were made, I thought that I looked much younger--early 20s, perhaps (although now, I am back to "normal" and no longer feel that I look 23.  Thirty, perhaps--but not 23).  
 
After being transported to the hospital, I could hear the EMTs making fun of me as they were walking off.
 
Sunday
 
This morning during breakfast, a guy played the first few measures of a song on a piano that sounded vaguely familiar.  When I asked him if it was "Merry Go Round," he corrected me and said that it was "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue.  At this I was instantly relieved and began contemplating hope for the first time since the incident, taking it as a sign that I am getting off the Merry-Go-Round-And-Round and am soon going Home-Sweet-Home.  Not to my parents' house in Quitman--but Home Sweet Home to Heaven.  Whether on Heaven or on Earth.  Maybe both.
 
Also this morning, a girl asked me how old I was.  I said 42.  She looked surprised and said she thought I was about 23 and was wondering because I looked too young to be in a place like this.  She was highly spiritual (in a mythical sense) and was praising Jesus and stuff.  I think that people with souls may see my new body and face but that people without a soul may not recognize the miracle.  My parents did not, and the EMTs or police officers who estimated my age to be 40-41 when they found me running around in the nude certainly did not.
 
[Additional note: Throughout the week, patients kept asking me how old I was and seemed very surprised to hear 42.  Nurses, too.  They all guessed 23 and one of them thought 18].
 
It is not my intent to continue dwelling on physical appearance yet feel that it is necessary to report this for some odd reason.  Not for vanity; but to simply try to make better sense of what happened.
 
Can't think of anything to say right now.  Oh yeah.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night.  I had a wierd dream about humans who were really androids but were developing a heart.  It was my son (?) but he looked like Robert Kennedy Jr. or one of the JFK boys.  Maybe there is still hope for me to have a heart, as well.
 
When I told this middle aged man yesterday that I wasn't worthy of going to Heaven, he replied that none of us were, and that's why we need Jesus.  This made me feel better about my own situation, although I'm not a Christian.  I find it to be very good advice for those who are Christian and who are not yet irrupted into the newest consciousness of integral for the sake of their souls.  He told me that I was pretty in a sincere way as if he would tell a child.  I think that people with a heart may see the new face and body, and that those without a heart or sould or soul may not see it. 
 
Again, it is not my intent to forever dwell on appearances.  Possibly, my self-worth is tied to physical beauty like most women.  If so, it is not necessarily the case that I am so concerned about physical beauty because I am "possessed" by material possessions such as beauty, but rather because I may fear the consequences of being rejected in love without it, and then not experiencing true love.  Yet as much as I want to experience love, I do not feel it.  Perhaps in a vague agape sense, but not in the sense of romantic love.  After so many times feeling it and then being fooled by my own imagination, one becomes distrustful altogether.
 
The group meeting was about quitting smoking.  I believe that among other things, the Universe sent me here to quit smoking.  Never planned on this but I guess I will.  This is day 3? without smoking (I think) in a smoke-free facility.  Still trying to figure out what to do with all this time with nothing to do: whether I should just walk the whole time up and down the halls, or do something else.  I cannot sit down and watch TV like the other people.  Please help me to figure out what to do to pass the time here usefully.
 
Monday
 
The doctor will start giving me Seroquel 25-50 mg. for sleep.  I am unconfortable with this after being put on Geodon the first day and then being overcome with ticks for several hours that day.  I could not even eat dinner because my head was jerking uncontrollably and my tongue and jaws kept moving uncontrollably as a reaction to the Geodon medication that they put me on.  It frightened me very much.  They gave me a shot of Benadryl which alleviated the ticks, and then gave me a Benadryl pill (50 mg.) which put me to sleep.  The second night they gave me another Benadryl, but I kept awakening throughout the night.
 
I told the doctor my objections to Seroquel: that it is an antipsychotic that I was put on when I was misdiagnosed for schizophrenia or bi-polar and how it made me gain weight.  She reassured me that low doses at 25-50 mgs. have a counter-intuitive effect and are actually more sedating, so good for insomnia.  So we will see.
 
[Additional note: After being given 25 mg, I could not sleep.  I was then given another 25 mg., which put me to sleep but gave me nightmares.  Between 10 PM-12 am, I awoke several times from a nightmare.  At 12, they gave me a Benadryl and I finally went to sleep for the rest of the night.  I discontinued the Seroquel.]
 
Current weight: 113 lbs.
Blood pressure: 105/68
pulse: 108
Temp: 99.5
 
When picked up by EMTs that night (Friday? 0500), blood pressure 95/60? (something like that) Pulse 56.  This was after running naked and being chased by cops.
 
[Additional note: at each shift throughout the week, vitals were taken and were all about the same--~100/68 blood pressure with a pulse of around 100-120.  My pulse would vary depending on whether they had taken my pulse while at rest or when they interrupted me for vitals while walking vigorously.  Toward the end of week, I noticed my pulse going down to 90s and temperature going down to 97, even after rigorous walking.)]
 
I believe that I should take care of this new body or face (if I have one).  Not wear make-up and wear my hair frizzy as it is naturally.  I have switched to vegetarian meals.  Since being here, I have requested only vegetarian except for in the mornings, when I order lots of grits and scrambled eggs, with a side of toast or a blueberry muffin.  I am getting really hungry now.  Still have to wait two more hours before I can eat.
 
But most of all, I want to feel love.  I do not feel it.  I am changing my request to the universe to send me my true + love.  I do not want to be possessed by material things.  Please help me.
 
Tuesday
 
Was forced to go to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting while there even though I am not an alcoholic and hardly ever drink.  It was interesting.  They had me do the reading of "oath" or whatever formality they do at AA at the beginning of their meetings, and I changed the wording of "God" and "Him" each time to say, "God or the Universe" and "Him, Her, or the Itself" as I was put off by the strictly Christian three-dimensional wordings of the oath or whatever.  The leaders of the meeting did not object to my changing of the words at all.
 
------------
 
One other thing about the place is that they did not let me take Adderall the whole time I was there.  This is why I was unable to take good notes.  I hope this does not mean that the Universe does not want me to take Adderall as well.  I have decided to go back on it because I trust my neurologist on this matter more than I do the doctors at rehab, who know nothing about my three different neurological disorders and the hardships I experience without the medication.  They do not prescribe Adderall to anyone there as a matter of policy because most patients they treat are addicts.  So long as I take it as prescribed, 30 mg. 3 times a day (which my neurologist feels to be perfectly safe), I see no harm in that.
 
I made good friends there.  Even got a few people walking who would have otherwise been more depressed.  But when I came back home this afternoon, it was horrible.   My dad made me feel really bad for leaving the place a mess after being sent to rehab.  He cleaned it up himself and has now kicked me out of it.  So now I'm stuck living in the same house with my parents.
 
I was unsure why there was this blank space here below so tried to fill it up with more words but still see a blank space below, as if I had left something out by mistake.  I am thinking now it has something to do with the Universe leaving space for music.  I do not feel comfortable posting music to blogs but the two below sound as if the artists are copying me on purpose.  Either that, or others are possibly having parallel-quadruplicity experiences.  I do not get the thing about robots but at least from my understanding, at the end, the lyric is "changing...we are changing" for both songs which is where I'm currently at in my life.  Hopefully it is for the better in spite of the gloomy-ness of my current outlook or prospects.  Maybe, this means my life is changing for the better.
 
By coincidence, the song, "Cut Copy" is really entitled "Feel the Love."   I looked up the lyrics and came across  this phrase, and had to look up the meaning: 
 
"Every Cloud's a silver lining":

A poetic sentiment that even the gloomiest outlook contains some hopeful or consoling aspect. Cf. [1634 Milton Comus I. 93] Was I deceiv'd, or did a sable cloud Turn forth her silver lining on the night?  It too says, "changing.... we are changing" at the end.
 
 

 

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2 out of 2 members found this useful.

Yo

Posted October 30th, 2009 by Scott Marshall

Hi Barbi-

Thats an intense few days there that you had...  

I myself in late 2004 had a spiritual crisis that included some of the aspects of your story.  I had a terrible feeling of the presence of evil in my apartment, and couldn't go to sleep.  At the end of the next day I felt that I needed to go to the river and jump in naked.  It was a baptism of sorts.  In November.  Near Canada.  Cold.

I thought good Lord protect me from evil and my own evil ways.  I asked for Jesus to enter in my heart.  I prayed. After getting out of the water I slapped my clothes back on feeling really fresh and brisk.  A woman approached not a moment later through the woods.  (I knew she was an angel)  She talked with me about my life and what I was doing.  I asked about her and what she was doing.  She drove me back to my apartment and we parted ways.  

I saw her months later at the video rental store and I did not recognize her because she looked "human."  

God works in mysterious ways!

-S