I received an email from a friend earlier asking:
"How do you deal with friends/acquaintances/newly introduced people who say all the sudden that they used to be vegetarian/vegan and aren't anymore?"
This individual asking the question felt puzzled, indignant or offended by the statement by the former vegetarians.
I am a vegetarian, and the way she felt was in line with some feelings I had when I was younger when people did not align with my own values. So in the past I grappled with the issue myself. I liked where I went with the response and decided to blog it. I removed the more personal details from the email.
Please let me know your thoughts.
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This is something I have thought alot about, In fact I would say I grappled with similar issues when I was younger.
The reasons why people make their decisions are complex, and they may not really know why. They might think they are deciding to do something for one reason, but if analyzed their decisions are really coming from somewhere else.
For instance, during the Vietnam War era, there was alot of protesting against the war, government etc. You might think that people were very morally developed, worldcentric if you will, for their protesting the war. However, something more interesting was actually taking place. There were psychological studies done at the time, and when examined the largest percentage of these individuals were coming from an egocentric level of values, not worldcentric. So they while they were in fact protesting the war, which was a good thing, they were actually doing it from a "nobody tells me what to do" core attitude.
Ken Wilber often uses that example to describe what he calls a Pre/Trans Fallacy. There are Pre-rational values, rational values, and post rational values. Many times people of Pre values, and people of post values will want the same things but they will be coming at it from completely different places.
This makes a good example of why it seems that our parents generation failed, or lost their way, or became so materialistic in the 80s. They didn't really lose their lofty values, the reality is that most of them didn't truly have those high values in the first place. Even if they may have been paroting them. Shifting from where they actually were to the sixties/seventies to being driven and business oriented in the 80s was actually a stage up in psychological development (believe it or not).
Ok, it may have seemed that I drifted of course here so let's bring this back to your original question. The reason why I brought that up is because I see a lot of parallels between the examples I just gave you and the examples you were describing with "friends" who were not true to their values.
These individuals may have originally thought they were choosing Vegetarianism for the compassionate or moral reasons, but if analyzed there could be completely egocentric or narcisistic reasons why they were doing it before. These were probably an unconscious motivations, or if conscious, definitely not ones that anyone would admit out loud:
> Being a vegetarian is a way of rebelling against my parents traditional values.
> Being a vegetarian is my way of being different from societies values and standing out.
> Being a vegetarian will make me seem cool.
> Being a vegetarian is my way of feeling superior to other people.
> Being a vegetarian will make me seem more sensitive to ladies.
> Being a vegetarian is a way for me to be skinny, and more attractive to guys.
I'd like to stress, that even if that is where people are coming from, it's still a good thing for the planet. And while many people might start there, and if vegetarianism becomes a habit they could stick with it while they develop psychologically and spiritually. Fake it till we make it if you will.
On the other hand, it's no surprise to me that if they were not firmly grounded in and coming from a place of compassion when they started being a vegetarian, that as they developed psychologically they could have let their ideals go, and abandon vegetarianism and move to a diet that is more convenient, or that is more suitable to their tastes or lifestyles.
People make their decisions for various reasons, and until you walk in their shoes you never really know. There are also people that could have been vegetarians, at a compassionate level, then had to switch back. It's not always easy for a young person to sustain something with that level of dedication. A well balanced vegetarian diet is more expensive (in the short term). Being a vegetarian is still not well supported in restaurants, grocery stores, and socially in non-metropolitan areas (and in some metropolitan areas too, trust me I was just in Louisville, KY). If a person can't afford to nourish themselves, what serves the greater good: living malnourished and not hitting your potentials, or not eating to your moral convictions, living to your potential, and being able to contribute to life more? I would suggest the later. And it can be worse than not just living to your potential, there could be health concerns like anemia, b12 deficiency, etc. And people could choose not to be vegetarian anymore for health reasons.
It's all a spectrum, not black and white. I've mellowed a little over the years and what I have learned is that if on the balance sheet people are more in line with your morals and values than against them, it is probably worth your while to be their friend.
Even if they are not, if you can get along with them, you can provide a good example for them to perhaps sway them back, or get them on the balance sheet to be vegetarian part of the time when hanging out with you (with care to not be too preachy or judgmental which people will automatically kneejerk resist without even thinking about it).
If someone really needs a friend... I implore you to be their friend. Compassion is compassion, no matter if you are extending it to animals or people. Buddha didn't discriminate. If a person needs compassion you should be compassionate, otherwise you could be guilty of being hypocritical yourself.
Anyway, I think I'm tapped out on this. I'm interested to see how you feel about this response.
