A Love Letter to the Integral Community

I hide out too! We're having our regular mid-winter Heat-wave here in Ukiah right now and my next door neighbors are in the communal back yard airing themselves and their guinea pigs. The sounds of their gossipy and judgmental voices makes me want to curl up into a ball and disappear. Why, God, why did you have to send them to live next door to ME???!!! My resistance to their awareness being on me can get so bad I feel absolutely nauseous. In fact, I don't like to go out of the house alone at all. I won't go out unless I have the b/f with me or his car. Something big or noisy to stand between me and someone who may want to get close enuf to me to judge me. Can you relate? 

I see you've found a really good strategy for getting your connection needs met while still being protected somewhat by a buffer. Me too. I've got this handy-dandy interweb interface from which I can gain some distance and still connect in a way that feels safe for me. Mine doesn't always work, tho, as you can see. Does yours sometimes fail to keep them at bay too?

Now you've got me all confused about the Enneagram. See, I'm supposed to be a 4 too. Check this out:

"What "Romantics" observe about themselves:

• There is a constant longing for the missing ingredient for personal happiness;
     

• Their focus is on the best of what's missing, what’s distant, and what's hard to get; the ordinary pales by comparison

• Their relationships are characterized by a "push/pull" pattern

• There is a deeply felt abandonment that translates into a belief that "I am fatally flawed."

• "Romanitics" feel special and elite. Their suffering sets them apart from others."

While I also have a strong 5:

"What "Observers" tell us about themselves:

• They have a marked need for privacy;

• They limit intrusion from a world that wants too much from them;

• "Observers" hoard time, space, energy, knowledge, and themselves;

• They detach from feelings and observe rather than participate;

• They are minimalists"

These two exist side by side in me pretty clearly and strong. And you've been describing qualities which sound to me like a 5. I associate a 4 with a deep longing for the real or authentic and an inability to play along with anything that merely skims the surfaces or is comfortable with white lies. There are different versions of the Enneagram Typing System, and from what I've heard, 4 is one of the biggest differences. No doubt it has to do with where the Teacher sits on the System. This version feels particularly critical of the 4s.

But one of the things I sense you are trying to describe is the sense of something being wrong with the self. Wrong enuf that one gets the impression that it will be a good idea to keep the self hidden from others in order to protect the self and/or others. Indeed your response to me is peppered with self criticisms and also judgment that you feel/sense/think may be coming from me at you. I'm truly sorry about both of those even tho I don't feel responsible for them, because neither are actually coming from me at all.

I suppose that I am pretty well saturated with the idea that there is something dreadfully wrong with me too. Which is why it hurts so bad to hear you say those things about me - both directly and indirectly. I have a need to be held in my imperfections. My real ones, not those that are imagined by others. The only time I really need my flaws to remain hidden are when there are judgmental people around and/or people who don't understand or who don't care about my feelings. I'm not content to remain utterly hidden and disconnected, but I will recoil if I feel the environment is too hostile. Maybe you think or believe that I am like that and don't care about your feelings or that I am waiting to hear about something so I can judge it. Nothing could be further from the truth. But you don't know that. And I can't tell if you even want to know that.

This hurts:

"If i tell you i love you, it's generally a good idea to just try to receive it rather than trying to smack me in the face with a challenge or trying to hold a mirror up to my shadows."

What I did was so much more nuanced and delicate than that. You have no idea. Neither did Mary Linda. And she didn't show any signs of wanting to know what was going on out here either.

I was attempting to shift the Mode of Discourse in a particular conversation from an accusatory and confrontational tone to a friendly and inquisitive one. I had one foot in each conversation. You did not. This isn't some failure of yours or a shortcoming in any way. I know you're busy. But I thot that you must have at least seen the post and conversation about the "Editor's Pick" and I worried that you may be feeling picked on or criticized. That conversation, and some of the others, have transformed due partly to my deliberate efforts. It isn't only me that made it happen, about 70% of it was that the wind was blowing in the right direction to fill the sail. I just provided a sail and rig. I was hoping that you would look over the conversation and see that I was clearly trying to build a bridge of understanding and put the criticisms and projections to rest.

And more than that, this wasn't really about you at all. This ended up being about whether or not the Community was ready to both give and receive into a New Mode of Discourse that invited more Presence and less abstraction. Whether or not we were ready to start inquiring into people (and being inquired into) and holding each other instead of just using one another to showcase what we think we know about Integral. As it turns out, many of us are. Even more ironically, I thot that a 4 would see the value of this. But now it's all fucked up. I don't think the Enneagram can help us here. There's not enuf shared meaning.

I am trying to establish shared meaning and value with you, Corey. I'm not trying to "Hold a mirror up to your Shadows" in some accusing or attacking way. I'm trying to make a space for them to be a lived part of your life instead of an unlived part. I'm not trying to hold you "accountable". I'm trying to hold you. Period. It isn't necessary to be a Role Model. Role Models can't meet the needs for Authenticity. Many Teachers are "groking" that now. It's going to be a difficult shift to make from one to the other, but it will actually end up demanding less of you, not more. That's the point that Decker was trying to make. It's work at first, but then it stops being work. It becomes life itself. True integration. Less need for "vacation".

"There are many in this community who need to learn that not everything needs to be a challenge all the time."

Amen!. And the way to do that is to go forward into Authenticity, not backwards into hiding. The male language of "challenge" and "accountable" is not adequate to contain the meaning of what is happening here. That language is used to sell a product to men because they think that's what men want to buy. And many men do still believe that that's what they want. If you're saying you want something different, you should let them know. But don't preach at me about it. I'm already converted.

After your vacation, would you be willing/able to repeat back to me what you think I'm saying. I am really feeling a need to be understood and this has not yet met that need. And can you tell me whether you still think I don't understand you or care about your needs or feelings? I'm trying really, really, really hard to care for your needs and feelings and I'm not seeing any recognition for that at all.

And I'm speaking to Corey here, people. I don't like talking behind people's backs, nor do I like talking for people or triangulating. Nevertheless, it is good for us each to speak for ourselves in front of The Community so that certain misunderstandings can be put to rest amongst us.

Now I'm worn out from trying to stay "positive" even tho I've been wrongly judged, and I'm not completely satisfied with this response but I'm going to hit the "Submit" button anyway. Tomorrow I may feel better and see more clearly, and then I can add a more clear perspective to this. But I don't want to hide this one. This is what happens to me when I feel hurt and afraid. If you don't like it or find it "useful", then that's prolly only a fraction of how I feel about it.

---

"The Left Hand Path, not merely the Right ... must take the lead."

~SES pg. 148