Sleeping With Your So-Called Enemy: The Practice

(Please feel free to use this blog as a public space to perform this practice--simply copy and paste the steps into your response.)

Sleeping With Your So-Called Enemy
Written by Nicole Fegley

How can I deal with the range of emotions that I feel around the upcoming election?  How can I begin to understand why some people have totally different opinions than me on the most important subjects that face our nation? How can I better understand my opponents, while still embracing what I believe in?

No matter how loud you shout, and no matter how much pain and emotion you experience, there will actually continue to be people out there who believe differently than you and you may not be able to convince them otherwise.

Ok, let’s take a quick breath.  This is tough, we know.  What we’d like to help with is the tough part…the painful part…your experience of apathy, anger, dissociation, fear, loathing, disgust, disbelief, you fill in the appropriate blank.  It’s totally ok, appropriate and normal to have these feelings, but you don’t have to be consumed, ruled or immobilized by them. That’s where this practice comes in.  We hope that you will experience both more freedom to feel the way you do, but also, more freedom to stay engaged, open to listening, and to ultimately know that in the end, whatever happens, everything will be ok.  Well, at least relatively so.

1.    Pick a bothersome political figure who has beliefs that are oppositional to yours.

2.    Go to YouTube and watch a video of that person carefully at least once. 

3.    During and after you watch the video, write down all the things you hear that are bothersome to you. Get a really full list and don’t worry too much about being harsh or picky, just note everything in a full, descriptive manner.

4.    Once you’re satisfied with your list, pick two or three things you wrote down that bother you the most about that person’s beliefs or what they say.

5.    Take each of the things that you selected and write down why they bother you so much. This is your time to express your opinion about this person, so go for it.  Take all the emotion you feel, and, see if you can bring some reason to that emotion.  For instance…I can’t stand that this person wants to make abortion illegal because that is taking away a fundamental right of women according to the U.S. Constitution, and government has no right to get involved with a woman’s body. When you’re done, take another look over what you’ve noted.

6.    Now, get up and walk around the room or physically move your body. Do whatever makes you really feel yourself and get your body moving and out of the position you were in while doing this exercise. 

7.    Find a good sitting posture in another spot in the room, close your eyes, focus on your breath and bring that other person back into your awareness.  Feel that person’s experience to the best of your ability. Imagine yourself walking around in their shoes, talking in their voice with their unique expression, and looking out through their eyes.  If you find your body contracting, just drop back into yourself for a moment, breathe, and focus on your breath.  When you’re ready, try to inhabit them again.  Do this exercise for at least 5 minutes, or longer if it feels needed or appropriate. 

8.    When you are done, move around the room again, get back into your own experience, and come sit back down in your chair.

9.    Take each of the most bothersome things you noted and write out as many reasons as you can think of describing why the person may feel or speak this way.  For instance, this person values their religious beliefs, which tells them that a fetus is a person, and they believe strongly that the government should defend the rights of all people.  Try to be aware of any charge that arises in you.  If you feel emotional charge while you do this, it’s ok, just pause and come back into the exercise.  When you are done, read the notes you have taken once again.

10.    Sit for another two minutes, feeling into this person’s unique way of relating to the issues, and the reasoning that they may hold.  You do not have to agree with their reasoning, but just try and rest in it. 

11.    Now, look again over the notes you’ve made in the exercise. Find something you wrote or identify something related to what you wrote that highlights a theme or principle that you can identify with.  For example, you may identify with the fact that your opponent believes that the government should defend the rights of the people.  You might not agree with what they think is needed to make this happen, but you can identify with the theme or principle that they are speaking of or defending. 

12.    Reflect on your experience by answering these questions: Is there a circumstance in your background or life condition that has influenced the way you relate to this theme? Can you imagine how this might have been different?  How has this practice helped you relate to a different view of the world or provided more freedom and awareness around political discourse?
 

Remember, we are not encouraging you to change your opinions, or to come closer to what this person is suggesting, but, by highlighting a common theme, we can hopefully rest and relax a bit knowing that there may, in fact, be common goals amongst us as human beings and as unique participants in the political system and political party to which we belong. 

Repeat this practice as often as you feel needed and moved. By repeating it, you will be training your ability to better locate and listen, in real time, for common themes, in the midst of the emotional contraction you feel while watching the news, the debates, the speeches, etc, and perhaps, even with the oppositional voices that arise in your life each day. And, please feel encouraged to share your work and insights in our community on Integral Life. Go ahead and test yourself. As you continue to engage until November 5th and beyond, see if you can notice when you get pulled into contraction, into intense emotion, when you’re yelling at the t.v., and then see if you can remember what you’ve learned from this practice, and try to spot or pull out the common themes from what you are watching, holding both the differences in values and beliefs that are naturally occurring and will not go away, with a more spacious awareness of the desires and motivations that bind us all. 



We talk a lot about freedom and fullness here at Integral Life--in fact, our tagline is, Free to be Fully Human.  Being fully human includes having emotions, disagreements, beliefs and values.  It’s important to explore these parts of our experience as a regular practice, making sure that we are not stuck in painful patterns, limiting beliefs or values that just don’t fit us anymore.  Undue suffering and pain can arise when we’re not aware that we’ve become gripped or stuck.  This is where the freedom part comes in.  Along with the expressions we exercise each day as individuals having our own uniquely human experience, we can also learn to rest in the spacious freedom and flexibility that is our true nature, a common ground that we all rest within.  We hope to continue to offer you practices that help you exercise both aspects of your life.