UFO Documentary: I Know What I Saw

I'm glad you talked more about this.

The way you've described the interplay of consciousness here is fascinating.

"The part that really stuck with me after being tucked into bed was the thought that the aliens could prevent me from doing anything to defend myself and I'd be totally conscious the whole time. This powerlessness terrified me. Ghosts and demons can be exorcised and the weaknesses of vampires and mummies are well known, but aliens were beyond us in every way. Therefore, as a kid the only thing I could do was take it to the only thing more powerful than everything...God. I had an elaborate prayer ritual where I'd visual a protective bubble descending from Heaven (which was even higher than space where the aliens came from) and surrounding me and all my loved ones. I put it all in His hands."

I've done some experimenting lately with the period between being awake and falling asleep - the Hypnagogic State - and I've discovered that the territory there is very different than when fully conscious. At some point in our development, a part of us becomes aware that we are really vulnerable when we're asleep. This is prolly that early childhood time when we imagine monsters under the bed and in the closet and such. Before then, we didn't know that we fell asleep and became unaware of or unable to contribute to what was happening around us. When we were awake, the world existed. When we were asleep, "someone" pushed the "Pause" button. So, when we figured this out, all of a sudden the Ten Thousand Things appeared. Ten Thousand creepy crawly and mean and nasty things. All the bad stuff that we prevented from happening while we were awake could now happen because we were off the job. And we were totally helpless. The idea of aliens paralyzing us while awake was a way of describing that terrifying possibility.

The visceral sense of need for someone to be more powerful and benevolent who could be relied upon to protect us jumps out of your story. This is a very real and legitimate need. I don't think anyone would escape childhood sane without this potential being around.

I experienced an extreme sense of vulnerability when descending towards sleep - what that article called "heightened suggestibility". I couldn't get above anything. Everything was interpreted as is and assigned meaning directly to concrete experiences stored in memory. There were no abstractions mediating the world. Lies could be felt as real. Images or verbal descriptions held the same affective power as an actual object in front of me. And part of me knows that when I'm like this, I'm in danger.

I spent most of my life not knowing that I had Hypothyroidism. This disorder kept me below the full state of consciousness alot of the time. I spent whole weeks full of whole days being drowsy and unable to process what was going on around me with any kind of mature skills. And part of me knew this and tried to avoid letting me get into situations where I would be too vulnerable. But this was not a part of my self who could talk about it and describe it to anyone. I didn't really awaken to what was happening until someone else who had had the same experience described it to me and then described what it was like to not feel that way. I had hints of it because sometimes I could caffeinate myself enuf to wake up and be able to process, but this was too random and impractical. I grew up simply assuming that I was dumb or lazy or something worse.

Now I totally get how radically different the world seems when our consciousness dips towards sleep. I'm actually kindof amazed that we figured out how to understand anything at all. I suspect that our ideals of scientific inquiry and factual knowledge are actually still very primitive compared to our potentials for understanding what is real. And at the same time, I also see that reality evolved along with our ability to discern things. While we need a God, God is there. When we don't need God anymore, God transforms into the next thing that we need. Saying God no longer exists is kindof silly because God does still exist for the child who requires a God. It may be more true to say that God becomes what we need God to be. And our needs will constantly change.

I love your Nietzsche bits. He's one of my faves. And honestly, I've been thinking about death alot lately. I'm not sure what's up with that and I haven't talked about it much, but I'm starting to wonder about what will come to an end and what will continue. When I listen to music, I marvel at how much pleasure is felt in my body and mind and emotions, and how that will all rot. It seems like such a waste. But that music will still be here when I'm gone and my kids will listen to it and they will feel pleasure too. We create these artifacts which will be around longer than us. Those artifacts  bounce meaning and value from those who came before to those who come after, like a ball being bounced over a high wall, creating a kind of continuity. Those who sent the ball over are gone, and those who received the ball will eventually send it on farther and disappear also, but the ball remains. What is that?

Why must we disappear? And why must we become conscious that we will fall asleep or disappear? Why this constant probing? What a waste! Why bother?

"Existence is terrible and absurd, but also a miraculous mystery that is the only thing we'll ever have."

I really love this line. It reminds me of Achilles sharing his perspective with Briseis in "Troy" about how the gods envy us because only we can feel the urgency of it and are thereby gifted with the drives to overcome.

Love and Blessings to you, Hon.

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"The Left Hand Path, not merely the Right ... must take the lead."

~SES pg. 148