Coaches Corner: The First Step to Real Change – Seeing your current way of being

When we look back on our lives, it’s easy to see how much we’ve changed over the years.  We can likely think back to several distinct phases in which we shifted in some significant ways.   Whether it’s finishing our education and starting our careers, creating a healthier lifestyle, transitioning into (or out of) a meaningful relationship, developing a new practice, or discovering integral, we’ve gone through the process of expanding ourselves to experience more freedom and fullness in our lives.

But have you ever considered the actual process of how you change?

In my last blog I wrote about the power of intentionally working with a personal topic, and how it can become both the catalyst and the context for transformation.  Now I’d like to build on that and start to explore the actual change process.  So once you’ve identified a topic or challenge in your life to work with, what’s the first step on the path towards fulfilling your goals?

In the past, I would have answered this question by saying that it depends on the particular topic.  If I wanted to improve my health, I’d explore new physical practices or read more about nutrition.  If I was interested in deepening my relationships, I might get more in touch with my emotions or get advice from trusted friends.  These approaches sometimes really helped, and other times not so much… 

What I can see now is that even when I was trying something new, that I’d bring my old way of ‘trying new’ to the table.  I likely approached my development with the same frame of mind that I was seeking to grow beyond.  Doing this allowed me to change here and there, but not in a sustained way.  This reminds me of a saying from my Zen practice, “You can’t use the mind to overcome the mind”.        

So what’s the way through?  In Zen, it’s to simply observe how the mind works and become more intimate with this process without trying to change anything.  And yet without trying to change, change occurs.  Because as I start to see how my mind works, I am no longer as identified with it and have more choices about how to guide it.  The same process also seems to apply as I work with my life challenges.  For me to develop through them, I first needed to see how I was currently relating to them.  “Oh, that’s how I’m seeing it – that’s what I’m doing...”  Only then can I choose something different. 

In the Integral Coaching® process, we call this seeing your ‘current way of being’ in relation to the topic.  And to enable our clients to work with this effectively, we offer them a metaphor for them to play with.  I had the opportunity to experience the power of this process myself, as you can see in these videos.  From my topic of, “continuing to open my heart and learning to create greater intimacy in all my relationships”, I was given the current way metaphor of a ‘white crane’.  

As this metaphor was offered to me it was a major ‘A-Ha’ moment.  “Oh, now I see why this is a topic for me….”  I was able to see both what relating to my topic as the white crane allowed for, and also how it limited me.  I saw how I valued the qualities of being still, able to observe, and stay calm in intense situations.  At the same time, I came to see how these same qualities were limiting me in situations in which I might feel uncomfortable or afraid to take a risk – instead of engaging fully, I would pull back to this place of safety within.  Go quiet.  Go still.  Observe. Observe.  Observe.  No wonder deepening my intimacy had been a challenge for me.  This profound seeing of my white crane-ness alone was worth the price of admission!

What’s also truly beautiful about starting with recognizing my current way, is that I felt totally appreciated and honored for who I was already.  This allowed me to see the limitations clearly and be very willing and open to how I could move forward.  Thus a solid foundation was created for me to build my growth upon.

So is it necessary to have a coach to help us see our current ways of being?  Nope.  We’ve all been through lots of development, and likely most of it by finding our own way.  And whether it’s through trial and error, self reflection, feedback from others, experiencing peak states, or sometimes as a matter of grace, we somehow manage to see this ‘current way’ for ourselves and work to make lasting changes.  At the same time, I learned that working with a coach allowed me to see my current way more quickly and fully – which lead to greater results.  So what if there’s a more powerful and effective way for us to face the challenges and step into the opportunities in our lives?  That’s what I found on my path of self discovery, and offer this as a question for you to consider as you continue along yours.