Update to Amateur Post - 10 days post Asilomar

 Jon,

I did not visit the site for a few days and am delighted now to find your response. Indeed, life isn't the same at all. I am very lucky to have the benefit of space, time and warm sunny climate to just be in, push away every object and begin to concentrate on the essential. Attachment to outcome is almost completely gone. Every now and then it raises its head, then gets quickly spotted... Like playing a game of hide-and-seek... Thank you for your support and for having held up Integral life, through makeshift email lists and the such, with all the practice and soul work that has been done, over the years. We need it now as ever.

Very best wishes, 

Irina.

 Dear Kim,

It was such a pleasure to meet you and to spend the special New Year's together on the beach! It was fun, wasn't it. I have a photo or two which I should send. I must say, going through a real life transition now, I am completely confused, yet also deeply centered somehow. A paradox. I find it very interesting that my feelings of the loss of nostalgia - and loss of attachment to an outcome, surprisingly! - resonate with yours of lightness, softness and strength. Those words you used brought me back to the online class I have been part of with Sally Kempton, on the Divine Feminine. I am sure you would find it awesome, just as I did. Let me know if you'd like more info.

With very best, warm California wishes,

Irina. 

Thank you, Lauren, for receiving me. It is a pleasure to meet you as well. I look forward to seeing you here and perhaps at one of the live events soon. Much love, Irina.

 Guga,

Thank you for your comment and for taking forward this post happily! Thank you also for a lovely photo.

The guilt and the responsibility... Those are good juicy ones, too. What would guilt become if it had a new lease on life? Perhaps an endearing movement towards another in openness, and acceptance that one is only so powerful and can take on only so much at any one time. Acceptance of our own vulnerability and weakness in total love and compassion with self first of all... Responsibility is beautiful... but only when divorced from respectability and status... and when it stems from deeply within, starting from responsibility for one's own house/universe.

I am not sure either how the effect of Asilomar will come out exactly. There is an effect, to be certain, and it's difficult to describe - hence my attempt to bite off a small piece off the end... I can relate fully to your feeling of "storminess" combined with a firm sense of a functioning internal compass. As Mugaku Sensei commented on this thread (under Comments/Melodies No Longer Needed) - important to stabilize in that place of integrity and make it accessible. Wow! I have my work cut out for me then!

Have a wonderful weekend, hope it's warm and sunny where you are!

Irina.

 Dear Anne,

Thanks so much for replying to my post and for sharing your own experiences of these two melodies, nostalgia and anticipation mixed with anxiety.  Thank you also for encouraging my Integral journey, I feel very fortunate to be supported by you and others who are being gentle and attentive, which is especially important for a beginner like me. 

I agree with you that the loss of nostalgia can mean that the past holds nothing but potential for a greater future. And while I was never in the habit of holding on to regret about the past actions or events, I can see how regretting "not having got there sooner" might be relevant here. I guess I was mainly shocked by the fact that the loss of nostalgia happened so quickly - I would have expected it to take many years of meditation on the very essence of nostalgia. It was like getting rid of a slight headache, which is not incapacitating, but the head certainly feels much clearer when it's gone. For me, nostalgia is something that could be easily evoked - for example, I travelled to and lived in many places around the world, and sometimes being face to face with the past, either physically, or through mementos, photos, music, people who knew me then, can bring on an acute feeling of nostalgia. Strangely, now returning to LA, for example, I am not at all nostalgic about my past here, quite the opposite - I rejoice in the present and while I don't reject or resent the past, I have no attachment to it. Yes, I think in this context "nostalgia" for me simply meant attachment to some romantic notion of a feeling, a place, a way to be, a situation, either real (i.e. from the past) or not...  Now that it is no longer humming in the background, the whole psycho-emotional slate is wiped clean to allow me to be present more fully.

"Anxiety" in my case really was more the accompaniment to "anticipation". I lead a relatively busy life, often bridging divergent worlds and energies. Again, the background hum would be the quiet realisation that embracing those streams of energies, which are often running in many different directions, would require a lot of me, so "anticipation" would be akin to living inside the racing heart of a surfer headed for a giant wave... Again, yes, I think anxiety does mean impatience, frustration and fear, and also trying to account for events before they actually occur, resulting in an endless circulation of energy without an outlet. Now this energy no longer needs to go to support those two causes - it's free to divert to other things! 

How do you deal with anticipation anxiety, and how does it usually show itself in your life?

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend, 
Irina.

Ambo,

Thank you for receiving and for extending my sensations with your most beautiful interpretation of them. It is highly disorienting, to say the very least, even physically exhausting. Thankfully, I have the luxury of time and space right now to process on my own terms, which is an amazing gift in itself. One thing I know - this is not a "decision", not a willful determination to "break with the past" and "stop foreseeing the future outcomes". No, this is not driven from my will, but rather something I feel has DESCENDED on me, slowly, but firmly, like a cloak of heavy snow - fluffy and playful in the process, but immovable and steady at completion. I cannot change away from that - at least that's how it feels to me right now! Yes, definitely a cool feeling, I catch myself smiling with true joy every now and then, like a person who suddenly came into some great fortune and hasn't yet had the time to live with this new reality, so it's a constant source of renewal and happiness. I have absolutely no idea what life will throw my way next and have frozen the moment somewhat to allow the right signals to come through in each moment. There is a feeling of GREAT AWAITING, but it's probably HOPE as it certainly does not feel the same as ANTICIPATION mixed with ANXIETY. Almost like a sick person who has been told her illness isn't deadly and she will be ok, really, who is awaiting the good doctor to come up with the right remedy. Suffering has been suspended. Is that right? Can it be? Isn't all life suffering?   

I hope you are having a glorious weekend and thank you so much for writing. I will keep the post going if there is interest. :-)

Irina.

Irina:

It was a wonderful event.  

As for your comment, completely understood.  Living from the perspective of the one who is called upon to act in the present, unencumbered by past or future, but fully aware.  A place of integrity.  Now to locate it in your self and to stabilize its accessiblity.  The best of purposes.   

Best,

Mugaku

Edward, I agree the natural setting of Asilomar was stunning in every way. (I was ill and could not take full advantage of sunrises or sunsets, but your photo is absolutely GORGEOUS, thank you! :-) I think long term effects are up to you and up to everyone of us. I know I won't "last" a whole year without support from others who share this space - this is why I am here, among other things. So, please come back - the Sangha needs your voice! Have a lovely weekend, Irina.