The Practice of Transparent Leadership

I’ve heard Ken Wilber say “the map is not the territory.” I agree. 

But what happens when the territory is not the territory? What happens when integral theory is irrelevant? What happens when the maps no longer work and the territory is completely unknown and you find yourself lost in the woods with no trail, no compass, no ground?

This is my world as of late. No clue. 

When I posed this dilemma to my guide, he said, “where you’re going, there are no maps.  You’re blazing the trail.”

As a former wilderness guide, this helped reassure me to a degree. “Okay,” I thought, “I know how to get somewhere without a map.” But even my response was rife with ego. 

For the past year, I’ve been going through some kind of spiritual emergence and ego death process. 

I am talking openly about my experience because I feel called to and I believe it will serve. 

We are in a time where showing someone in the moment is more powerful than reading about the 10 steps to achieve  _______. 

Look at the power of youtube. When I want to learn how to prune the apple tree in my yard, or make raw cashew milk, I don’t read about it, I watch a video of someone doing it. 

So, what would happen in the integral community (or any spiritual community) if a teacher, guru, or mentor were to show us his or her transformation openly, in the moment? 

While I’m not a spiritual teacher or guru, I am in a position of power with some. I have a two choices 1) hide my personal process and keep it private, or 2) share all of my humanity openly. 

What is possible if I told the truth about myself and my experience all the time as it was occurring? What if I could be myself completely? What if I stop hiding?

The old way

Every male teacher I have worked with the exception of one has hid a big aspect of themselves from me and the community in order to maintain the image of what I’m was striving for—the omniscient man.  I also have never seen an integral teacher reveal himself or herself fully in the moment. Hmm. Why is that? 

I imagine we’ve all had an experience of disappointment when the teacher’s “stuff” comes out sideways behind closed doors. To the child in us, it is a big letdown. If most of us are honest, some part of us wants the leaders, politicians, sports hero’s, gurus, and parents to be perfect. And if not perfect, we want them to be a certain way.

This is half of the equation. The other half is how the “big people” in turn, collude with that part of us and attempt to have it all together, hiding their shadow, their darkness, their pain, their addictions. 

Lastly, our disconnected culture feeds us a barrage of messages of how we should be and who we should be. 

This is the trap. If we unconsciously buy into this dynamic, we make the lie a higher priority than the truth. We perpetuate the false view that at the summit we will find liberation. “If only I did X,” or “when I reach that certain stage of the spiral, then I will feel ________.” 

While this attitude might be fine in come circles, on the spiritual path it can cripple the student’s progress. Is the integral community perpetuating this approach or are they willing to transcend it?

A different approach

When I see a person in a position of authority be fully transparent and honest, whatever the context, my heart opens, I feel empathy and compassion. For their story is my story. If it’s all a projection, this can only serve one giant purpose---to link each of us more to one another in shared humanity and oneness. 

When I see the humanity of a teacher, I receive permission and courage to be more human. 

People are hungry for the truth. People are hungry to know that they are not broken, that they can be free of the endless mental chatter of their inner critic and the noise of our culture. People are hungry to be themselves, fully. But in order to believe it’s possible, they must see a real person be real, warts and all. 

Enter me. I am here to simply tell the honest truth about myself openly.

In a nutshell, I don’t know who I am, I find myself in the great unknown. Some days, I feel depressed and flat. Other days, I experience oneness and profound joy. I cry when the sun hits a blade of grass. I laugh out loud. I get pissed and annoyed at something trivial and mundane.  I want to run and hide. On and on. 

In the enneagram world, I am a ennea-type 3. The core task for the 3 is to move from doing/achieving from the personality in order to “get” love, to a state of being, a soul harmony with the Universe, or the Pearl stage in the Diamond approach (for example). 

My whole life I have tried to be somebody via my personality using the tool of will. I have had a fundamental lack of trust in the rhythm of the Universe.  I have believed that it’s up to me and me alone to figure it out. I even applied this to my spiritual path. If I try harder I will accelerate my spiritual growth. If I prove that I’m a good student, I will get preferential treatment and move up the latter faster. 

Sadly, this has caused me, and others, a great deal of pain. 

Fortunately for me, over the past year, and the past six months specifically, all my games have been crumbling down before my eyes. The more I push, the less I get. The more I use my will, the more I feel stifled and the more I suffer.  

While this might seem obvious to some, and even to my intellect, the habitual patterns are wired deep.  I am in a deep practice of surrender. I am deeply humbled. I am getting my ass kicked often to the point of wanting to quit the path altogether. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times recently. Every button has been pushed and I am backed into a corner with only one choice. 

Give up. Surrender. 

So, why have I never witnessed a teacher talk about this while it’s happening? 

Perhaps because the ego death process is so brutal? Or maybe it’s because the last thing I want to do is write a blog post when I’m wiping snot from my face after laying face down in front of my altar? 

Whatever the case and whenever I can muster the mojo, I ask for help. I extend. I write and post something because I know someone, somewhere is in the same boat and feeling completely alone. 

Taking a stand

I am taking this spiritual development stuff out of the safe workshop/retreat setting and into the real world in real time where it is happening to a lot of us. When I ask for help from my guide, I record the calls and make them available to whomever wants to listen in. 

I am a householder. A part time stay-at home father. I can’t run off to the ashram, the eco-friendly dharma center, or the woods and burn through this one. I have to change my son’s diaper, do the dishes, see clients, clean the house, navigate a marriage, and somehow pay the bills, all the while I fall apart.

In the programs I facilitate, I bring all of me, including the part that wants to leave the workshop in one moment, or judge a participant in the next.  I attract that kind of person to my programs. Men and women who will hold me to the fire until I share all of me. 

My invitation?  To be ourselves completely without reservation and stop letting our culture and social norms tell us who we can be, when and where. 

Let’s be human together and talk about it openly.  Let’s get out of our theories and into the streets where the raw matter of life is actually occurring. 

As teachers, let’s show people in the moment how we navigate the terrain and when we are lost beyond lost, let’s share that.  As students, let’s get more curious and demanding of our teachers to show all of themselves to us.  Let’s stop looking for polished superstars and instead seek out real people who share their full humanity openly.  As fellow seekers and practitioners, let’s risk sharing all of ourselves and trust that our friends and families will be served by the truth. 

In January, Jayson is leading a six month training for men only that really embodies this practice. Anyone interested should send an email to info(at)jaysongaddis(dot)com.

Jayson Gaddis, licensed professional counselor and relationship coach, is a part time stay-at-home dad, blogger, and urban shaman-in-training. He is passionate about treating fatherhood as a spiritual path. Jayson writes a popular, edgy men’s personal development blog. He has also written for MadePossible, Primer Magazine, Elephant Journal, and The Good Men Project.

Jayson studied vajrayana Buddhism for 5 years and is currently studying shamanism and other esoteric spiritual traditions. He received his Master of Arts degree from Naropa University in Transpersonal Psychology and Counseling. Jayson lives in Boulder with his wife Ellen. His all time favorite thing in the whole world is hang with his son and brand new daughter!