Always Different?

I am, at least to some extent, participating in this forum because I crave others who think as I do about they same things I like to think about. By no means do I mean that they should agree with me, but that we would be able to have wonderful, deep, intellectual conversations. I have always abstained from participating in regular online discussions before because they always seem to degenerate into insignificant conversations, repetition of ideas or veiled (or not so veiled) hostility.

I am posting this, I suppose, as a cry for like-minded souls who perhaps are as alone intellectually as I am. Sometimes I feel as if I am unique in all the world (and yes, I know we are all different and unique but sometimes one can be more different than most).

So what makes me different? First of all I am quite intelligent- two degrees from prestigious colleges, etc. I  am not trying to boast, it is just a fact that I appreciate on one level and struggle with on others. I have interacted with very intelligent people. I went to Caltech as an undergraduate where people are absolutely brilliant, but only interested in science, math and engineering and, with all due respect for my friends from there, they are not very good with spirituality, empathy, interpersonal or intrapersonal interactions. I have strong interests in math, science etc. but I also long to discuss psychology, spirituality, etc. So Caltech was not the answer for me. I also went to Harvard fairly recently and got my Masters degree in a combined major of Mind, Brain and Education (psychology, neuroscience and education). The people there were closer to what I was hoping for, but bringing spirituality into the picture at the graduate school of education is not exactly what the school promotes or what most people are seeking when they go there.

I have also sought out people purely interested in spirituality and this has had very mixed results. First of all I don't understand how some people can be so even, quiet, accepting and gentle all of the time. I am not like that and feel as if I am about to offend these people at any moment with my quirky sense of humor, my occasionally too loud laugh and my uncontrollable enthusiasm when something stimulates me. After many years (at least 14 years) of spiritual study, meditation, serious self reflection, and hard work on myself that I believe has been very productive in transforming me into a more evolved person, I don't seem to have found the correct tradition to quell my basically rambunctious nature. Secretly (or maybe not so secretly), I am glad I have not changed these things about myself, as they are after all who I am. These people are so very kind and good, but frequently so agreeable that having a discussion with them is no fun at all. Other spiritual people can be way out there in their beliefs- fairy dust, leprecons, aliens, Atlantis. Now I am hardly mainstream, I have studied shamanism, had three Reiki attunements (next one makes me a master) and healings, have had serious mystical experiences and deeply believe that God is right there for us. I also respect everyone's need to pursue a spiritual path that meets their needs (and who knows- maybe they are right about fairies) and I would not ever suggest that they should follow my path, but I don't feel I can have the types of interactions I desire with these individuals.

So here I am, sometimes critical, logical, deeply spiritual, interested in psychology, a little goofy and overly enthusiastic, with foundations in science and (now don't laugh) I am deeply committed to finding a way to seriously improve the world, in my case specifically our educational system, through big picture changes however small that will subtly push our world in a more positive direction and I work every day, both on my own and professionally, to try to work towards this goal. I do not necessarily seek others in education, just others who feel they are on a similar mission to change the big picture structures of our culture and society. I have friends and children who love me and who I share many things with and I am overall pretty happy with my life but there is an empty place where I crave interaction with others on the topics I have the greatest passion for.

This feels like I am putting myself terribly on the line because the stuff I have written here is quite personal. Ken Wilber states that others find friendship here when they haven't found it elsewhere and truthfully I think this is my best hope for finding what I am looking for. His philosophy is rigorous scientifically and lets face it, if you make it through a Ken Wilber book you must be smart. He merges psychology and spirituality- perfect! AQAL also provides an ideal model for creating change within our systems. So, I would like to hear from others who feel the same. I have looked at some of the blogs and don't see exactly what I am looking for but there are thousands of members out there and I only read a handful of blogs.

Wishing you all the highest and best,

Jeanne