The "B" Word

I'm glad you're still chewing on this bit. I've wanted to unpack this more too.

I agree that the Victim's Voice prolly does not recognize itself. I think that's the most painful part of this. But I'm not sure this is true:

"if they knew they were a victim they would have the tools and support of a community that has identified the abuse."

I'm not sure those two things are connected at all. At least not in the sense that I'm talking about.

Perhaps what you're trying to say is that if a person doesn't know they've been victimized, they can't ask for help therefore they will not get help. That is a completely different thing than what I'm talking about. Let me use myself as an example here.

In the comment I wrote above titled, "Pushing In", the one that got an "unhelpful" vote, I was using my Victim Voice. It was the most polite and well-behaved Victim Voice I could muster, but it was the Victim. That's why I didn't want to go there and avoided it. And that's also why I got so pissed when someone voted it as "unhelpful". It is the #1 most vulnerable place to sit because the self is embedded there and when people don't like it, they don't like me and I am dismissed. I didn't write a comment offering some opinions or information about some object. I was exposing my self. And someone with zero ability to have perspective on that voted me as unhelpful. It doesn't matter if they didn't intend it to be that way. It just doesn't matter. When we're embedded in a value, that is just the way it is. This is what I referred to as The Law of Embeddedness over in Rachel's blog:

"What I've seen is that for those who cannot yet come out, for whatever reason - and there is no shame if you try and cannot - the rage arises. This is an aspect of that "Stage #1" existence where you cannot not react to what the other person is either doing or what they look like. You become either saved by the other person if they act or look in such a way that satisfies you, or you become victimized by the other person if they act or look in such a way that they dissatisfy you. There is no avoiding this aspect, because those who are free will do things which you cannot allow or be okay with and this creates a survival threat, or a threat to the "I".

What I've learned by my disorder is that a threat to the Self is a survival threat. If you look up PTSD in the DSMiv you'll see that the definition of threat to survival is based only on exterior elements. They do not acknowledge threats to interiors. But it is the interior which determines whether one person suffers from the disabling illness or whether they go thru normal stages of grief and move on, and try as they might, these things are not quantifyable. So, if something is embedded such as the reaction to a man's gaze of feeling controlled and preyed upon, then being exposed to that in an environment over and over without awareness or relief would probably cause a Trauma of a sort. It will essentially BE a threat to the Self. If there is no relief and no one to appeal to to make it stop, then the Victim is created and the rage will follow. This is the Law of Embeddedness."

I'm not talking about knowing whether or not one has been victimized. I'm talking about knowing whether or not one is in the Victim Voice. One can know that one has been victimized but not know they are in the Voice. In fact, that is the most common context for the Victim Voice and that is why it is so painful. Do you see the difference?

Once a we space forms around the Victim Voice to hold space for it, the I can move out of the Victim Voice and into the larger space constructed and maintained by the we space. It's not a guarantee that this will happen, but it is at least possible.

There is some resistance in the Integral Community for constructing and maintaining a space for the Victim Voice to speak into. Not just the Integral Community, I've found, but the Orange vMeme in general does not really share this value. The Orange vMeme wants to Victim to go away and to be replaced by the "Contender" or the "Overcomer". This is part of what has to happen to move out of Blue/Amber: one has to want to stop whining about the guilt of Blue/Amber, tell them all to go eff-themselves, and then proceed to win at life without anybody else's help. When Green complains about abuse, it is often a knee-jerk reaction of Orange to smack them down because it looks the same as the Blue/Amber guilt thing. This, of course, is inappropriate and only makes things worse, but...  the Law of Embeddedness makes it impossible to react any other way.

"We may be a previous victim but once we have identified the crime the role disappears..."

I'm not sure how you got here at all. I can't even guess. I'm gonna need some help with that one.

"I started to think about Ken as a victim, he used that word but it was intended to emphasize a society that concurs, had he bothered to explain…he may not of thought he needed to, a role that was disadvantageous to his maleness."

That's exactly the point of Embeddedness. We don't think it's necessary to explain further because, of course, anyone with functioning mirror neurons understands this communication. Right?

No.

When the Victim Voice is speaking Authentically, without mediation by an Awakened Voice, it usually sends a signal to the Abuser that they are unable to take their perspective. This signal is picked up by the Abuser as a hostile reciprocation and their ability to take the perspective of the Victim is completely shut off. Such mutual isolation becomes a big pile of black powder just waiting for a match. If there is no mediation by someone who is not Embedded, then this will go to a very bad place very quickly.

When Diane told us that the relationship was a large enough container to make room for such a Voice, she is relying not only on her incredible strength as a professional Mediator, but also on the time/space-tested we space which is radiating from them and all around them and bathing each of them in love and care which has been authentically demonstrated. Even tho I don't have as intimate a friendship with Ken, my years of listening to and reading him has given me a similar sense. Even tho I temporarily lost my ability to take his perspective because of the HPA alarm system reaction, I didn't take it too seriously. I simply witnessed my body's reaction and stepped away from the keyboard for a few days.

"...we of all people should know Ken and know his deliberate speech. Not in rage but in love."

It's important to understand that the body will do what it will do to protect the self when it perceives a threat. There is no choice. If the self is Embedded there, the body takes over and nothing can be done. This is not a moral or spiritual issue. There are no shoulds and coulds here.

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