Body emotions...

This weekend I experienced a very sharply discerned emotion or impulse that I don't remember feeling for a very long time - if at all. It was that of clinging. Pure, unadulterated, infantile clinging. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Where are you going" type stuff. The b/f and I have been only seeing one another on the weekends for a while now so that we can better concentrate on our own lives throughout the busy week. This leaves the weekends as very concentrated time together. This weekend had some honest to God desperation in it. Desperation on both our parts that pushed the other beyond what was okay.

While on the one hand, this is not good: attachment which causes suffering and all that. On the other hand, it was really very good. It was a change from something much worse: low-quality time of eating and falling asleep, no real presence, quickie, low-quality sex and desire/need to be somewhere else and doing something else.

So this morning, as is my practice, I got my "Essential Rumi" out and sat at the Altar and sought Presence with my suffering. Quan Yin is always so helpful with that. I read:

"You that come to birth and bring the Mysteries

your voice-thunder makes us very happy.

Roar, Lion of the heart,

And tear me open!"

I entered in.

Then I skipped some and read the story of "The Three Brothers and the Chinese Princess". And I reached the limits of my ability. Bliss. I was on the verge, but could not cross over. It's totally okay because the gift had been given and I felt clearer, even though the wordless Longing hurt alot.

I then contemplated the will to Violence which I was reading about here and there, and I found it too. I found the Voice of Mars/Aries in myself and it made me very happy. The Archetypes were becoming mine at last. I remembered so much from last year and the year before when I was ready and able to kill or die to keep certain people safe and protect their ability to evolve and grow. I remembered how much control I was able to exercise over this ability and how much joy and east with which I could enter into it and I was proud. I had been dangerous. And that was a good thing. I was more whole then that I am now. I had lost that ability this last year. And now I was without a Protector. I felt sad for the loss.

My time at the Altar was short, and I did not even need to light the candle or dress it for the day. The Presence has been transferred to me. It is within me now. I dress the Altar with respect still, but not necessity. My body is learning. It is becoming strong enough to bear what has been unbearable.