Sorrow...

I have read two things tonight which I feel immense sorrow over.

1.   Emergent has been questioned and tortured by the Modern version of the Inquisition and one by one seem to be "confessing". Those who have confessed are, of course, being appropriately deprogrammed or burned so as not to corrupt the innocents and pollute the pure doctrines. Like Michelangelo, I feel closed-in-on and afraid and despairing. 

2.   I am too disabled to qualify as Integral. Not because I'm not Integral (which "I" are we talking about anyway?) but because I cannot navigate the map well enough due to my cognitive disabilities. I see the territory well enough, but that won't get me into the Promised Land. I have to wave goodbye to the deserving and be satisfied playing with my Cargo Cult/Barbie version of Integral. (Well, okay, I'm speaking from the view on that one, not about it. But I feel too pulled inside to get outside of it at the moment. I'm sure I'll be able to Objectify it better in the morning...)

I just sat at my Altar for about a half hour weeping, rocking and holding my crucifix and talking to Jesus and whoever else my mind projected to comfort me. I feel so isolated.

As far as Emergent goes, I read a blog-post tonight (the main way Emergers communicate with one another) about how this guy has decided which way to come down in the debate and how many others are finally coming down one way or another and how this seems to be a sign of "maturing" in his view. I was bereft. So, I responded by leaving a very long comment on the Fb post that linked me to the blog. Here's what I said - for anyone who is interested in this stuff, though you may be few:

"Oh, dear.

I think I've been officially caught up. I stopped tracking the conversation about two years ago. I don't remember why. But I think I was burned out. Now, I see that this is common. I also had in-my-face emergen-cies to deal with that were urgent to the point of dangerous, so I had to veer away.

It's ironic that he named the blog-post "A New Kind of Conversation" because I participated in a project by that name years back. Not original. I wonder if BroMay knows that. I'm trying to wrack my brain to remember his name, but it's all too long ago now.

The conversation called "A New Kind of Conversation" ended up being a microcosm of what seems to have happened in real time over the last few years. It started out by setting boundaries and then offering space for anyone to discuss what certain emerging thinkers/doers were saying.

Right out of the gate, someone came into the space and vomitted his vitreol all over it. The boundaries which were carefully laid before the space was openened were completely ignored by this guy. The squeeky wheel got all the grease and that became the ground upon which the whole project was built. I complained. Nothing was done. I noted that the stated boundaries then meant nothing and tyrants rule where boundaries are not reinforced. Nothing. Emergers were on the defense only and couldn't even begin to have the conversation which had been originally hoped for.

The last time I checked, the record of this entire situation is still online for all to see.

I tried my damnedest to remind people that the "NEW" conversation was not a debate where critics attack and we have to defend. That it was a celebration of the fragile virtues of curiosity and wonder and courage to explore meaning and associations without being punished by the Theology Police. But those who were up to their eye-balls in the debates told me that they were doing the important work and if I couldn't stand the heat to get out of the kitchen. So I gave them a piece (or 12) of my mind and backed it all up with alot of data until they relented. But then they went right back to their grind-stones anyway, going around and around, tied to the stake that that tyrant drove into the ground from the beginning.

After the project was concluded, selected results were going to be published in hard copy. Those who participated would get free copies. I awaited being notified. Years went by. Finally, last year, I found the email of one of the directors and asked him about it and he sent me one of his signed copies. I eagerly read it and found that none of what I considered to be the most important things I said were included. Only the light and pleasant stuff, while the "Big Boys" who were doing the really important work got lots of copy.

This was not the NEW Conversation at all. This was the Old Kind of Conversation. And this is not why I became interested in Emergent at all.

It seems to me that Emergent was run down by the Theology Police and questioned and tortured until they finally "confessed" to their crimes when that is not what this was about at all in the beginning. It wasn't about standing on any doctrines that were in sharp contrast to traditional doctrine or scripture. It was about walking around amongst alternative doctrines and talking with them. Period. Apparently this was just inconceivable. Literally. The Theology Police couldn't understand how you can wander around and exchange information without eventually deciding to stand on it and fight to defend your territory.

I'm with whoever said that Deconstruction was important because it lovingly opened a space so that new information can move in and out and all around - constantly and perpetually - and we could then remain able to exchange with it as needed. REconstruction closed the space back down and was to be avoided. Those who want to REconstruct were missing the whole point.

Oh, yeah. That was Jacques Derrida.

This whole thing makes me so sad."