Sex (Scared of It) & Love (Don’t Need It)

Relationships are so passé. Or is it cliché? Anyway.
 

There’s no avoiding being in intimate relationship, no matter how hard some of us try. And I have. By “intimate relationship” I mean, for the time being, relationships that involve sexual intimacy. How scary.
 

Really. I’m not as scared as I used to be, but a defining feature of my life is that I was “scared sexless” until, oh, let’s just say I was a late bloomer and leave it at that. (All this self-disclosure may come back to haunt my future nomination to the Supreme Court.)
 

Not only do I know what it’s like to not be in intimate relationship, I’m afraid now I also know what it’s like to not be in intimate relationship even when I am!
 

One of the least flattering and most poignant moments of my life came at the tail end of my first long-term relationship. My partner and I were living together, and we were chest deep in the agony of the realization our relationship was ending. But we were trying, with all the loving presence we could muster, to save it. In the midst of a deep and challenging conversation we arrived at the point of deciding to share the ways we received one another’s love. It had come to that. It was my turn to share. And I couldn’t.
 

As in, I couldn’t come up with anything. Nothing. I was stunned. I knew she loved me and I knew I felt her love, so how could I draw a blank? I quickly found myself in a liminal space between quiet desperation and curious fascination, between seeking mind and surrendered heart, when my question was answered. The words reverberated through my body with undeniable truth force: I DON’T NEED LOVE.
 

I don’t need love? Who in their right mind—? You can imagine my surprise. Only, I wasn’t. I was in shock all right, but I knew well the attitude and feeling tone of “I don’t need.” Minimizing needs is core to the logic and dynamics of Enneagram personality type Five, the type I identify with.
 

Now, during the conversation with my partner I didn’t launch into an Enneagram exploration. I’m doing that with you, for two reasons that I hope you’ll find valuable:
 

First, in my estimation of AQAL-integral communities of discourse, types get the short end of the shtick. We place much greater emphasis on levels (and of course quadrants)—not without good reason, especially considering the large-scale cultural project of overcoming flatland. However, when it comes to more personally intimate contexts like personal development and authentic intimate relating, I‘m of the opinion that horizontal type structures like those proposed by the Enneagram can be more important than vertical structure-stages. After all, the dynamic holistic patterns of our Enneagram type are operative throughout our life, regardless of our developmental level. As we evolve “up” the spiral of consciousness our capacities change, but our sensitivities—the habits of attention and emotion that color our capacity to be in the world—these stay the same. What changes is the subtlety of the habit-pattern. Thus, as Integral Coaches are fond of saying, in our vertical-developmental journey we return time and again to the “northwest corner” of type issues. Indeed, “I don’t need” has colored my love life all along, from flat out denying my sexuality and fully avoiding love to being in love while remaining far from fully receptive to the experience (due to more subtle forms of denial like detachment and dissociation). 

Second, I’d like to conclude by offering you a couple of takeaways that might serve your inquiry into intimate relationships (no longer necessarily involving sexual intimacy). One is the conversion of my type Five experience into a general Enneagram calculus applicable to all types: A type’s Passion expresses in one’s dominant Instinctual Variant through the Hornevian Style of the type. (Due to space constraints I must assume you have a working knowledge of the Enneagram. In any event, you can trace my shorthand descriptions and quotations of key terms back to the body of Enneagram literature.)
 

To illustrate, in my case the Passion (heart-centered egoic “emotional and affective atmosphere… perpetual and compulsive feeling tone”) is Avarice, which entails shrinking from contact and withholding oneself, or “an emotional attitude of rejection and detachment.” Avarice expresses in my One-to-One Instinctual Variant (we have three instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual or one-to-one; one is dominant and suggests the life arena in which we are centrally preoccupied or most “passionate”: security & survival, social status & friendship, or intimate relationship proper). It does so through my Withdrawn Hornevian Style (how we get our needs met; how we pursue our desires).          

Putting it all together, here are a couple of inquiry questions for each type (from One to Nine as per the numbers):
 

1. How is Anger/Resentment keeping you from love? How are you Earning love?
2. How is Pride keeping you from love? How are you Earning love?
3. How is Deceit/Vanity keeping you from love? How are you Demanding love?
4. How is Envy keeping you from love? How are you Withdrawing love?
5. How is Avarice keeping you from love? How are you Withdrawing love? 
6. How is Fear/Anxiety keeping you from love? How are you Earning love?
7. How is Gluttony keeping you from love? How are you Demanding love?
8. How is Lust/Forcefulness keeping you from love? How are you Demanding love?
9.  How is Sloth/Indolence keeping you from love? How are you Withdrawing love?
    

Note, depending on your dominant instinct, “love” can refer to love of self, love of friends/groups, or love of intimate partner. Also note that this calculus and its application are experimental, so I’ll be curious to hear whether you resonate with it.
 

On a final note, I dedicate this writing to my former partner, an extraordinary woman who I love and with whom I learned to love.

Jordan Luftig
Certified Integral Coach