Subjective Experience as the tip of my development

 I've been trying to break up with my ex-girlfriend for about three months now....

We were together for three years...

In the course of watching David Deida speak about relationships on IntegralLife.com, I got up from the couch and stopped snuggling with her and never went back.  Thanks a lot, David!  This whole "Way of the Superior Man" shit isn't as easy as reading the book, that's for sure.

I've been doing my best to keep my distance from her and make it as clear as possible that I don't want to be in a lover relationship with her.  She's been doing her best to keep us engaged in whatever way possible.  We own a house together, are part of a theater company together, and live in a small town so interaction is unavoidable to certain extent. This past weekend, I went to Boulder, CO to apply to the Naropa graduate school and slept with one of the students there.  I then proceeded to tell my ex about it and spent the whole day dealing with the drama of it.  I just wanted to get away from her and the situation and run from the difficulty of it.  

I've also recently ramped up my meditation practice and have been experiencing a body-drop a lot more frequently than ever before.  I mean, I seem to be perceptually climbing out of my body more and more.  I experience the whole of my body as an object in my awareness with increasing frequency and ease and in many different situations throughout the day.

While meditating last night, it occured to me that the reason this body-trancended state of awareness hasn't stabalized into a steady stage or structure of consciousness is because I have more to subjectively experience and learn in identification with my body-being.  

So today, in the midst of struggling against what the exprience with my ex was demanding of me, I remembered this little insight.  I realized that I was feeling incredibly subjected to the moment and it was painful and difficult.  I decided that I better just start paying very close attention because something in my awareness had attracted the moment with all its challenges and difficulties.  It was then that I was able to surrender to the situation and my subjective experience of it.  I did my best to increase my receptivity to the moment as well as my pressence and heart within it.

Low and behold it worked.  I started subjectively recieving the moment with much more grace than before, the energy of the dynamic between us shifted and stabilized.  Peace returned, and about 30 minutes later I experienced another body-drop, which remained for the final hour of our conversation.  Then we parted peacefully and I really feel like we made healthy progress toward a functional separation.  

Hurray!  I came home to friends at my house and gave them all hugs because they've been watching me struggle through this process.  I told them that I had had a breakthrough but then told them that I wasn't going to tell them about it but that I was going to write this blog and that they could read about it there.  Hah!  What a crazy web 2.0 world we live in!

Subjectivity is the razor's edge of my development, so I noticed.