Intimacy with one's own Self

 The content of this recording is something that I really needed to hear.   Hearing that living spiritually is sometimes hell was somehow reassuring.  I have read a book about the prophet Elijah, and even though he was "touched by the Hand of God" it did not mean he lived a charmed life or was able to somehow surpass all internal suffering.  

It is hard to accept the part of you that turns 'ugly' and thinks about a situation, real or imagined, into a state of complete absurdity, crap for lack of a better definition.  It is like having the moments of clarity are beautiful and real, but to carry them through life or to just allow them to be and then trusting that they will be enough is not my strong suit.  Looking at something from every angle can be painful and useless.  Samsara resurrected.  Some of the same emotionally damaging tactics that have been used in the past, must be tried and true because they work.  It hurts to see one's life and trauma glamorized...and in another sense it is an opportunity to look at something dead on without fear no matter how much the image is one of oppression and the tool for cyber bullying.  I have grown to realize although I do have a relationship with grace, I also have a relationship with thinking way too much about things.  

I really do not want to own the part of me that is conjuring up bullshit and animosity, when in reality it is the last thing that I would embody.   I have been able to recognize the projections of others and respond from a place of understanding and compassion even though underneath my fight or flight is ignited.  The voice of my autonomic nervous system is not the voice of reason or truth.

the truth of me does get buried in a barrage of negative thinking.  I would love to transform it or have it not be so painful, I am sensitive so what would be just a random thought for someone feels like a mountain on my shoulders.  Passing thoughts become tantamount.  So I have to live with myself.  and I would be a bit concerned for anyone who was latched onto my every passing thought, because it isnt always pretty and where it is all coming from is even a mystery to me.

So, I listened today and found peace.  It was followed by a levity that carried me to the closet to pull out my Father's guitar and play a Scottish folk song about a frog.  It was nice.

I appreciate all the shared experience, knowing that I am not crazy, sick or just royally f'ed up is a healing perspective ... this is all relative, anyone that takes time out of there hard working day to point out my hardships are probably not people that are coming from a place of compassion.  (not to imply that they are crazy, sick or royally f'ed up)

if there is anything I would wish for myself, it would be to practice the mirrored mind, reflecting passively all that is presented to me.    

I can really empathize with the teens that are experiencing the cyber bully phenomena.  Being a person who is an introvert, who internalizes, I can see how being verbally assaulted or with images can lead them to feel as if there is no escape.  It follows you home.  and who can they talk to?  So the blessings of the internet mixed with the trappings.  It is like anything else in life, learning right relationship, right understanding and overcoming the sinister mind.