Coaches' Corner: Change Takes Time

The cheesy tag line on my Integral Coach Home Page says, “Time for a change…? Change takes time.” It is a rather succinct way of trying to capture the challenge that development offers us. Why can’t we change over night? How do we make an authentic and lasting shift from where we are now to where we want to be? When a client walks in my door with a coaching topic that is of deep importance, he also comes in with a deeply embedded way of approaching that topic. A big part of bringing about lasting change is first learning to see your current way of approaching your topic so that you can consciously work with the pitfalls and inherent grace of your own “way.” When your coach offers a possible new way of holding your topic and attending to its potential, a gap is immediately created between where you currently are and where you could be, if you progressed in specific developmental areas affecting your topic and your life. At this exact moment in time, the client almost always ask, “So, how do I get there?”   

Therein is the rub. Isn’t that true for all of us? We all have moments of feeling the gap between where we want to be and where we currently reside. As a coach, the trickiest part I’ve noticed with my clients (and myself) is that our cognitive capacity accurately sees the gap. We get it.  Only too clearly! But for change to occur, for the gap to close, our understanding has to be more than cognitive. Getting it is not enough. It has to show up in the heart, soul, and body of who we are, not just the mind. Our bodies are slower to respond. Change at a cellular level takes more time and it could be argued that on an evolutionary scale, our bodies resist change – change was threatening to the order of things that kept us alive. So change takes time. It takes letting the rest of our being (body, heart, soul, etc) time to get on board with the cognitive shift that just occurred. To get the rest of our “self” aligned with what we think or “get” about ourselves, requires that word we all know too well… practice.  

In Integral Coaching, development occurs with conscious practice on specific development objectives that the coach and client create together. In the Integral world, we’re very familiar with practice; from Zen practice to ILP to working out to shadow work. What I want to add to the equation here is this: We each have a unique way of showing up in any practice. We have a unique way of approaching any gap.  In seeing the gap, some people might double their efforts, others might shut down, others might feel inadequate, others might engage in conversations with others about it. But hoping for the gap to go away quickly does not accurately reflect where we are and the time it takes.  Our psyches may also register this as a subtle violence - that where we are in the gap is not ok, is bad, represents something to be ashamed of or disdain. The more we rail against ourselves for not being more developed, the more suffering we create.  

The opposite however is true as well. In allowing ourselves to be with “what is,” to be with the gap, and to softly allow it to be ok that we are in this in-between space, we grant ourselves the most basic form of self-compassion as we approach our ongoing development. By holding the gap this way, we can support our development by diminishing resistance. In those moments we see clearly where we stand in the distance traveled towards our developmental objective, and we do that without judgment, we free ourselves up to include and transcend that moment of the journey. We are also clearer on how to show up in the gap in the future. The next time a rough moment occurs, we can remember that part of development and practice is to learn to accept where you are in your practice. Right here.  Right now. 

I’ve been practicing with uncertainty lately. In moments when things fall apart and I can’t find which way is up, I tend to fall apart and get really anxious. But when I remember that that is part of the gap I am practicing with and allow myself the honesty to see I need some work AND I am also making progress.  Both.  And then my body and heart slowly start to learn. I learn that falling apart does not have to mean the world is ending. I learn that it is ok to fall apart so we can rebuild something new. I learn that the dark sides of emotion are just as valid as the light. Until I can allow uncertainty into my beating heart and allow it to penetrate to the tips of my toes, I am going to resist the gap. Even reading this now for yourself, sense how you might “get” the concept of this post as you read it. But it will take time for an insight like this (or any other) to get massaged into your being-ness and body.  And it only helps to have the support of someone who knows how to hold you in this journey.  

Development then is not about getting out of our heads and into our bodies. Development is about bringing our body, heart, mind, and soul on board with the change we see for ourselves. It is truly an Integral affair. And in those moments when we see clearly and with compassion our own developmental journey, the fun begins. So I return to my ever-so cheesy tag line to see if anything has shifted for you since your first read it; And if it is, “time for a change,” I would humbly offer, get an Integral Coach on your side. I can’t imagine my life without one.  And I hope that I will always have a coach to support the deep transformation that keeps calling out to me (even when I don’t want to hear the call). And I know it will take time.  So, I dive in fully now, while trying to hold myself as gently as I can. 

Sensei Kevin Snorf

Certified Integral Coach

http://integrallife.com/member/kevin-snorf/profile