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Investing In Loss
Posted April 29th, 2010 by Kevin Snorf in coaching
“Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.”
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.”
- from Rumi’s “The Guest House”
I just watched my favorite hockey player accidentally score the winning goal against his own goalie in the Stanley Cup playoffs to lose the game! You read that right. He helped the other team win. If I was one of his teammates, I would be livid. But his teammate said, “You better believe he’s going to come back strong tomorrow night!” I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a long time and that “loss” tonight inspired this.
In the last 3 months I’ve been sick twice so severely that I’ve been unable to get out of bed for almost 2 weeks and unable to walk at times. My mom was in the hospital and almost died off and on for seven days while I attended to her. My pet snake died. My income is diminished because I haven’t been able to teach since I tore every ligament in my knee and meniscus in a judo accident. I am a quantum jujitsu sensei. This is very serious. I underwent an ACL reconstruction surgery that has left me unable to do pretty much all the physical things I love…for six months. Adverse effects of my recovery and pain meds have me vacillating between mild anxiety attacks and horrifically painful spasms in the knee.
Part of me wants to mope and punch walls and scream obscenities at bad drivers, curse god. You know, the usual reactions many of us love to indulge in hard times. But, I’m surprised that I haven’t sunk as low as I have in the past. I’d even say I’m doing quite well with it all. Everyone is complimenting me on how well I’m handling such horrible situations. In truth, some moments are worse than others, and the last thing I would want is to in-authentically make light of everything. When I’m pissed and in pain I say so. When I’m touched, I cry. When I’m moved, I laugh and smile. So my life circumstances are shit at this moment in time. Should that affect how I feel inside? When people ask me how I’m able to hold it together I say, “I’m investing in loss.”
“Our culture does not celebrate investing in loss. So, there is much in us and around us that wants to push with all our old moves. In the short run, we may get the desired result. But in the long run, we are not cultivating the ability to expand our gross, subtle, and causal capacities.” – Joanne Hunt (Integral Coaching Canada)
If you want to kill a friendly conversation with dinner guests, tell folks to try to lose in life. “Investing in loss? Why would you want to lose?” people ask me. I don’t want to lose. I am losing. I don’t know why. I can’t tell you a good reason. But I’m losing. It is just my what is for right now in my life. When I compete in jujitsu or poker, I go through these long slumps where people who shouldn’t normally beat me just terrorize me. I can’t win if my life depended on it. What I’ve learned is, every time I hit a slump, it’s time to pay attention in a new way and learn something – grow. I always come out the other side a better competitor and a better teacher. So if its true for sports psychology, why wouldn’t it be true for life. I don’t know why I’m losing right now, but I can’t wait to find out.
Think about it… investing in loss. Loss is actually good for you. All that avoidance we all have to failing, losing, screwing up, blowing it, embarrassing ourselves, hijacking our success, self-sabotage. There is a great payoff if you’re paying attention!
“An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field” – Neils Bohr (Danish physicist and Nobel Prize Winner)
I’ll try to explain. I first heard this concept from Joanne Hunt and Laura Divine who trained me in Integral Coaching®. They spoke to how they often have trained coaches who come in to their coach training programs with a set, well-established coaching style. They have to “invest in loss” in order to make room to embody something new. Or, Joanne and Laura would say, when we’re in a developmental process we have to invest in loss because we have to let go of some things in our current way of being before we can move into a new way of being. Development requires loss. Life requires loss. Spring doesn’t come without fall and winter. A bull spike in Dow Jones Industrial Index doesn’t usually comes without a big bear drop. That perfect lover is often found once we let go of “the one that got away.” In acrobatics, my teachers encourage me to make mistakes so they can help me see what’s going wrong and then it’s easier to correct. So if we look at the evidence, why do we avoid loss so much when it seems to have such a payoff?
Mostly because loss sucks. I’m walking proof. It hurts. It brings up fear and doubt, it changes you, it isn’t fun… I could go on. Egos aren’t really fans of change or loss. It brings up the primal fear. The big one. Not stage fright… The end. The ending. Ultimate Loss. Losing everything. I remember Sofia Diaz would always remind me in the worst possible yoga pose, “In the end of it all, you are going to lose everything so smile in this moment.” Who are you if you lose everything? What’s left when it all fades out? What is the timeless, spaceless, undefinable, vastness that is beyond the limitations of your current conceptions of you?
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." - Tyler Durden in Fight Club
So where am I right now? After my health, mom, and knee blowouts, I stepped back and asked, “Okay, what do I have going for me? If I’m going to crash and burn, let’s do it in style. Since then I’ve completely revisited what’s important in my life, have re-prioritized, and have been doing all these projects I’ve wanted to accomplish for years! I’m on the verge of some awesome breakthroughs, that while painful, have huge promise for my standard of living, enjoyment, my purpose, and the contribution I can offer to others.
Some days I think to myself, “I’m really going to go with loss today.” I’m going to waste time walking aimlessly (which I am discovering is not such a waste). Then I’m going to read Maxim for an hour. From my “I’m not being productive,” way of thinking this just feels like more loss. I’ll play stupid games with the cat. Eat Bear Claws and drink homemade beer all day while playing poker online and talking to old friends. Further loss. I call up old friends…I have some time for that now. Then I’ll read part of a Robert Ludlum novel and then make love with my girlfriend. All loss in my current way of looking at time and productivity. I got nothing done that I wanted. Or did I? Because, God I love those days.
Am I saying, you should screw up your life by losing? No. Am I saying you should try losing as a winning strategy? No. Am I saying you should look more closely at your current way of relating to loss and defeat and consider the impact that has on you now? Closer, yes. Maybe I am saying, when’s the last time you had a horrible day and saw it as an investment instead of a disaster? Or when did you last sit down and say, “today is a good day to f*#% everything up. Be unproductive.” Not by accident. Consciously, on purpose, go for broke. Invest in loss. Put down all your self-improvement projects and rigorous goals; curb the productivity addiction or the “I’m going to change the world today” drive. Cut off the enlightenment quest. Surf stupid videos on YouTube instead and watch your favorite hockey team go down in flames. Bask in the radiance of it all. This one precious little life. How fleeting it all is. Are you paying attention to life or are you watching the calendar days fly by as you cross off unimportant things on your to do list? It’s all a beautiful divine show and you’re going to lose anyway, so get used to it. But in accepting loss, we have the chance for something else. We just don’t know what.
Investing in loss is an investment in the ALL of who you are.
It’s the best investment of your life.
"Success is the ability to go from one loss to another with no loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill
Kevin Snorf is a Certified Integral Coach® who specializes in using the body as the gateway to deep transformative practice.- Please Login to Add Comments
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Hmmm
Posted April 29th, 2010 by Jennifer GroveI'm feeling VERY strong impulses to be really sarcastic here.
[breathing. breathing. breathing.]
I'm glad this is on the radar of Integral thinkers. If you only look at Robb Smith's current post about economics and personal development, you might come away with the impression that losing is not Integral. But I'm starting to see the bigger picture. And perhaps you are seeing it too.
Loss is part of what is.
And it is only a secure and relatively safe person (compared to some people in India who have to sell their better looking children into the sex trade to feed everyone else) who can afford to consider the possibility that there might be something of value in the giant dumpster of failure and go diving for it.
Engaging The Fear with eyes open is a luxury. We have that luxury here in America. We're not gonna die. We're just gonna lose all the junk that we've been accumulating over the last 200 years - one piece at a time - pawning them all off to buy clean water and a bed to sleep in. We're gonna see each of these things that we've been taking for granted in isolation and we're going to wake up to them.
Oh. I can't afford to buy ink for the printer anymore. Okay. How did I live without that before? I can't afford all the expense of having a car. I'm glad I never became dependent on owning one or that would be a HUGE loss. I can't afford to buy new underwear. Not even the cheap stuff. Oh, dear. Does that mean I have to settle for used? Wow. Why am I still insisting on buying Q-tips and cotton pads when starving children in Africa don't have them? If I try and pay the increase on my Comcast bill myself, I'll have to go without several basic needs. So, how does it change our relationship if I choose to let the b/f pick up the extra $35 a month? Etc.
Each one of these purchases that the wealthy Yuppie Integrallers can buy while walking down the aisle at their local expensive supermarket and talking on their iPhones and literally not think anything about, I have to carefully budget for and plan trips to get using someone else's car.
I am a loser. I can't succeed like so many can. I never could. But because of that, I know my way around the Dumpster. Real well. I know which ones tend to have the better junk, and I know when to dive. I have more in common with a larger percent of the world's population than some around here, and I can see alot of stuff that they just don't see. But I can see if from both the top and the bottom. Because success does not equal Integral. I suspect it has more to do with the ability to Value the Perspective. We can't all be winners. Disability happens.
Lines of development do not Levels make. I can't maintain cognitive executive function while I'm in the middle of a Trauma Reaction. You can't walk when you're in a Trauma Reaction. The Orange level of development is not all about personal finance and economic success. It can be about other kinds of objectification such as keeping an eagle eye on culture and putting out an Integral Commentary on what is going on out there. It can be getting involved in a System that directly effects you such as a School Board or Board of Supervisors and helping them keep track of more perspectives.
While you still have money, invest in some good survival equipment and skills. I did that before I went homeless a few years back. I'm really glad I did. Draw up the plan in what sequence you are willing to lose what. First the sewing machine. Then the Dyson. etc. Losing is a skill. And we are poised to become experts.
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This looks interesting...
Posted May 1st, 2010 by Jennifer GroveRead some of the first pages...
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For just $14.95 a month, YOU TOO can offset your Karma Footprint by becoming a Member of Integral Life!
[has that already been done?]
Thanks for the post and the poem. It is my hypothesis that the limiting factor in our community is our negative emotional reactions to loss, failure, rejection, and shame. Let us learn from Rumi to embrace even our sorrow, fear, and shame.
Sorry for your losses, illnessnes, and injuries. May you be well.
Stan
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One bad game
Posted April 29th, 2010 by Steve RedmondMan that must have been one bad loss to inspire this. As a sports fan (although not hockey) I can relate. Seems your interesting investment is paying off. I would have to say that was one of the best posts I've read here at IL. Certainly in the top five. I thank you deeply for it. It is of great value to me at the moment. I'm going to give it a try this weekend!
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Steve Redmond