Learning to love

God in second person, Christianity's Trinity that holds a reference and a Reality that pentrates - touching the buried pain of a lifetime.

"Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age."
(Mt 28:19-20)

"I have come to set the earth on fire, and how I wish it were already blazing!"
(Lk 12:49)

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Hi Kim,

As Krishnamurti was fond of saying, and as may be relevant here, “The answer lies in the question.”

On one hand, it's others that are untrustworthy; and on the other your interest is on an internal working model. What if it turns out that trust is essentially an internal matter; especially when it's defined as our capacity and willingness to deal with life conditions as they come along.

How we define a thing is important, for example if we consider love as something we get, we set up certain subtle but powerful conditions, including the possibility of the shadow of a painful ‘nobody loves me’ response at an early stage of unfoldment; then deeply felt and now hidden.

Happily in adult mode, we can revisit the circumstances surrounding such untoward moments of decision, and decide again from an adult perspective. One way to do that is to consider love to be something that we give. However, unless we give freely, with no strings or obligations connected to our giving, we run a great risk of taking something noble, beautiful, and true, and turn it on its head, making it into something like a hook into the other, and a barbed one at that.

Seems to me the remedy for this is never to sacrifice anything. Simply put this means if it can't be freely given, don't even try.

I suspect you already know how to love, especially with something inanimate, like a new outfit, one that's stunning in fit and color and shows you at your best. A step up from that is a pet animal; dogs for example are often loved for their unique capacity to respond to us.

But when it comes to love between humans, especially of the one-to-one variety it's a bit trickier. We tend to bring all our baggage along; alas not all of it is helpful. Ferreting out these inhibiting patterns may be required.

Meanwhile, we can start small. We can listen and pay attention to the next interaction we have with another human being and recognize something they do well, and then gift them with our understanding; via word or deed. It's important to be sincere, and not to expect anything in return.

Warmly,

Charles

88W13'31" 41N54'51"   

i made myself the guide.  i had to re-parent myself.  it's really hard and painful.  learning to love myself was the first step.  meditation helps, writing helps, being alone helps, but that's my life, not yours. 

hope you find your way out :)

Hi Kim,

like Kelley says, we need to hug ourselves and learn to re-parent ourselves, trust ourselves, co-dependency themes.

I have also an insecure avoidant attachment style ( No sorry, I was wrong, I just had a look on Bolwby, I did not read B. for along time, I am Ambivalent/Resistant , Typ C, 11.24.10 ) and found these books helpful for me:

When Love Meets Fear, David Richo (Wonderful Author!!!)

Loving Him Without Losing You, How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself, Beverly Angel

Hiding From Love, John Townsend

With Love, Gisela

Come, Come, Whoever You Are
Wonderer, worshiper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter.
Come, even though you have broken your vows
a thousand times
Come, come, again

Rumi

Hi Kim,

I am simply going to relate to you some of the images, thoughts, and emotions that moved through me as I pondered your questions and of course, my own experience in "Love"....

There was an image of grapes being crushed to make wine....and I thought; "how absurdly trite", but yet, the more I considered the "actuality" of making wine, and the many "kinds" and "senses" of loving we experience as human beings; how, at the depth of our loving'' we are "crushed"  - it seems we are made into love as we allow this "protected self" to move into the pain....the com-passion of "Human-Being"....

At least, it seems that way to me....

Justin

Your words always hit exactly the point Justin......impressing way to express your self  : )  , Gisela

  As far as I know, has the very fundamental research of Bolwby (who died 1990) much more to do with contact, especial in close adult (romantic) relationships and even the knowledge about couple therapy today. (I have been in two trainings for couple therapy this year). His research is younger than Karen Horneys (she died in 1952). I think, he was the one who did a lot of research using cameras to find out, what is going on when a child is left alone by his mother. 

For sure it also makes sense to spend some time alone and there is a need to have some time on our own. But there is a kind of suffering growing out of early childhood disorders  and this suffering is generated from issues developed  in early childhood through the insufficient or unavailable bonding with the mother, or the closest caring person.

And....we will train our partner to treat us, like our parents did.....  : (  These conflicts use to show up in our most loved and closest relationship to our partner..... as we all know already. 

Thank you Kim for your openess to share your truth with us, Gisela