Coaches' Corner: Five minutes with family and a teenager all over again!

“Yes Mom, I’ll be there for Thanksgiving,” I said with grimacing anticipation.

The relationship that seems to trigger me most is the one with my mother.  I remember the last time I was home for the holidays.  I was excitedly sharing some of the changes that had occurred in my life and as I paused my mother said “That’s nice honey, I’m glad you are happy.  Those pants are a little tight, don’t you think?  Have you put on some weight?”

I remember thinking “Really?  That’s your response?”…right before I felt compelled to go look at my butt in the mirror…followed immediately by righteous indignation…which gave way to a personal pity party on behalf of my mother yet again proving that she didn’t understand or accept me…and then the inevitable desire to either shut down and change the subject or lash out and stomp out of the room.  And as much as I hate to admit it, that pretty much describes the cycle of our relationship as mother and daughter.

I’d like to say that I look forward to returning home for the holidays-seeing my family and being with of a group of people who know and love me.  But in fact If feel something precariously balanced between the positive anticipation of seeing people I love and the negative anticipation of having all of my buttons pushed by people who really know how to push them.

Families seem to bring out the best of our intentions and often the worst in our thoughts, feelings and actions.  There’s just something that happens as we walk in the doorway of the family gathering; despite those intentions, we so easily slip back into family dynamics that that have been in place for our entire lives.

From Self-Flagellation to Self-Observation

I’ve talked with many clients over the years who have struggled with the dread of returning home for the holidays, and the shame that accompanies it.  Some of the questions that keep arising are “If they love me, why can’t they accept me?”  “Why can’t things be different?”   “Why is it that five minutes with my family makes me feel like a teenager all over again?” After years of therapy, self-development, meditation, journaling, etc, what is it about being with our families that reduces us to the people we were before we began our journey into adulthood?  How can we be more of who we we want to become when we come face to face with many of the dynamics that created who we have been up until now?

Self-observation is always the first step to change.  Until we can actually observe ourselves thinking our thoughts, feeling our feelings and behaving the ways we behave, there is little room for actual change.  It is through this observation that awareness of our part emerges and then the possibility of change widens into a space big enough for us to make different choices.  In the space between the moment we are triggered, and the moment we respond, lies the possibility for something new to happen.

The Moment of Choice

In the moments that followed the above interaction with my mother, I observed my internal response and actually saw that I could continue along the same path, which would lead to the same feelings of failed intimacy, or I could respond differently to this woman who feels compelled to make sure that I don’t “get too big for my britches” both metaphorically and literally.  Since I am committed to practicing a new way of relating with my mother, I decided to go a different route.  What I did instead of shutting down or lashing out was to allow myself to feel and name my emotions and then tell my mother how her response made me feel.  I also described how those feelings led to the desire for a specific course of action that would sever the possibility for connection in that moment.  Essentially, I interrupted the cycle.

That moment of choice led to a different kind of conversation than the one that would have followed our usual track.  My mother heard what I was saying, was able to connect to the pain I felt and explain how she simply wanted to make sure that I was taking care of myself in the midst of being involved with so much.  In those moments I felt compassion for the woman before me, who also wanted to bridge the gap between us, but had fewer tools to do so.  I felt compassion for myself as I witnessed my own process without judgment.  I also felt a desire to continue practicing something that was showing me some results!

Of course, not more than 30 minutes later, in response to my deep sharing about my intimate relationship, my mother made a comment about my current hairstyle and I got to practice interrupting that cycle all over again.  And it is through making different choices over and over that a new kind of relationship with my mother will take root, grow and have the power to change the dynamic between us for good.

My Commitment this Holiday Season

So this Thanksgiving, when I walk in the door and my mother makes a comment about my weight, hair, or something else, most likely I will still feel triggered.  I will still have thoughts and feelings of rejection.  I will still have the urge to shut down or lash out.  But the difference is that as I get better at self-observation, I can use my triggers as signals that I need to attend to interrupting the cycle. I can speak from the place of what is true for me, and as I do so, a space opens up for my mother to do the same. I can open to a greater sense of compassion for her and for myself.  Ironically, my mother is once again my greatest teacher, as I learn to remain open hearted and compassionate in the face of someone who has different values, comes from a different perspective and makes different choices than I do.

My hope during this holiday season is that each of you becomes more aware of the patterns you have in relating to your loved ones.  That you become more able to observe those patterns as they occur and begin to make new choices that have the potential to lead to a different quality of relating to others. 

Here are some questions for you to reflect on: 
    1.    What is your core intention for your relationships with the people you love? 
    2.    What, inside you, gets in the way of you realizing that intention? 
    3.    What possibilities emerge as you gain greater awareness and clarity in the moment that those qualities arise?

If you would like to work with a coach one-on-one to address your unique family dynamic before going home for the holidays, please visit our website.  You also might be interested in our upcoming FREE teleseminar: Home for the Holidays.

Happy (almost) Holidays.

Lisa Frost
General Manager of Coaching Services and Integral Coach