Ambivalent about Incarnation

This is my first attempt at blogging. I can't really grasp the notion that anyone out there will spend time reading this...but perhaps that's not my real need. My need is to write my thoughts. And being an extravert, it helps to at least pretend that someone is goign to read and respond to them. Unlike my journal which is very dusty at the moment....

My biggest spiritual-physical-psychological challenge is (and always has been, though I mostly chose not to engage it) fatness. Yes, not a pretty term, but let's just avoid the euphemisms. My favoriate euphemism or 'reframe' as I like to call it, is voluptuous. It implies a certain largesse of sensuality and confident sexuality that I do not, at present, have.I do not have that because I am fat and I don't like being fat and I don't think any one else likes me being fat either. As I take the first steps toward dating again, this issue looms large. No pun intended.

Those of you who have never struggled with a significant weight issue--like, oh, 100 pounds over what you should be--probably cannot comprehend the significance of this problem. I mean, it's utterly ridiculous that I can't get hold of myself and DO what I know I need to do, LONG enough for it to be effective. I can summon the resolve, I have the information, but I cannot sustain it. Hopelessness, helplessness, fatalism, and the most insidious voice of all--why botherism, sets in without my even being aware of it. Oh, I do have my legitimage excuses--lots of medications that cause weight gain, back problems that inhibit exercise, unfortunate genetics and early life lessons about food and fatness, and the actual statistics that only a tiny percentage of fat people ever get slim and stay here. However, a real fighting spirit would not let any of this get in the way of doing SOMETHING! Right?

My current theory is this: Based on observation of my experiences, I need constant input--sensory or intellectual stimulation--or I fall asleep...literally. In boring meetings, on my long commute, etc. And, I have been living in a sexless marriage for over 5 years, so I am sexually shut down and using food as a substitute for sensual experience and comfort. (I am really good at psychological theories to explain behavior, it's what I do for a living.)

Now, a number of years ago my therapist suggested that it seemed like I still had not really committed to incarnating into a body. I take this to mean I'm always looking for ways to check out--mentally that is--so I don't have to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune who heaped a hundred extra pounds on me before I knew what was happening!

Can these two theories exist in the same universe? Maybe they are both just ways to avoid doing something other than come up with theories. I would like to consider that the solution is to find a partner who helps me rediscover and enjoy my very very sensual nature  (I do have Taurus rising!) so I will not feel so hungry within. And this will also help me want to remain consciously embodied. But that's pinning all my hopes onto a White Knight. That is SO last generation...