Psychosis.

 Dear Rivo,

My heart beats its beats for you as I read your post.  I figure I am a fellow traveler, of sorts, though on a parallel path.  My journey includes what the medical folks describe as "refractory" or "treatment-resistant" depression.  In a sit-down with HH Kenjushri a couple of years back, I described the tyranny of this "black dog" as 'being stuck on the inhalation phase of the Tonglen loop.'  My "diagnosis" invariably includes the note: "absent psychotic features."  So, we're not in the exact same boat, you and I, but I'm sure our patterns of hunting for solid ground and periods of frantic paddling have been similar.

Again and again, I've found myself thoroughly debilitated, drowning in an ocean of sadness without a shore.  Have thrown everything from Autogenics to Zen at this malady, over decades.  The "treatments" I've tried include more lab-rat experiments (me being the rat) with drugs than I can recall; ECT; and, more recently, TMS.  I feel the hunger and the ache in your post, to search, to find some remedy, AND, most-especially, an integral remedy.  At times soberly, at times frantically, I, too, have wished-all on searching for and finding some peace.  (God bless the internet, even when it doesn't hand up the answer we hope to find!)  Like you, I continue to press for new answers to these aggrieved interrogations.

What Mr. Perez has said here along with the link he shares, doubtless, speaks more directly to you and your concerns than I can.  Nonetheless, I'm assembling the biggest love bomb I can concoct right now, and I'm launching it at your location!  

Big thanks and big love for sharing your post here.  Do find your own integral solution!  It's not likely to be just drugs, just exercise, or just a sitting or contemplative practice.  It's going a combination of these, AND . . .

Sending a portion of my strength in this, also.

Peace & much love,

Robert