Home for the Holidays Teleseminar Show #3

 Show 3:  Trying a New Way

Take a few minutes to review your answers to question 3 from the first week: How would I like my interaction with each family member this holiday season to be?  You can think of these as intentions that you hold for this holiday season.  For each one, answer the following question:

• What shifts/changes would be required of me to meet each intention? 

Despite putting forth great effort, you may feel stretched to answer this question – and for sound reason. At this point, your perspective derives from your current way of seeing your family and yourself.  In other words, you have yet to develop the ability to take your current way of relating as Object, which is why it is so helpful to work with a coach, who can help you do just that.

Given this reality, let’s approach the above question in terms of someone else’s relationship challenge. What muscles might this person have to build to relate differently with his or her family if the developmental need was to…

• Take the perspective of another person?
• Be more comfortable staying present when another person exhibits intense emotions?
• Be able to see one’s own part in the pattern?
• Be able to stay in one’s own body when triggered?
• Feel emotions without being overcome by them?

Now consider your coaching goal in light of these muscles. How might developing any or all of them support you in changing the way you interact with your family? Of these muscles, select one that seems most relevant to build given your intentions for being in this holiday season in a new way. 

Over the next two weeks, build this muscle by trying a simple, new behavior 2-3 times daily. Keeping it simple allows you to feel challenged but not overwhelmed, so you’ll be more likely to follow through with this exercise. Choosing a novel behavior that is specific and concrete will enable you to identify the impacts of regularly engaging in this new action.

Examples:

• To take the perspective of another person: As you listen to someone express an opinion, imagine what it must be like to be this person. Really try to feel into this human being in front of you. Can you tap into feeling compassion for him or her?
  
• To be more comfortable in staying with intense emotions in another: Begin to notice when you feel uncomfortable in the presence of someone who is expressing strong emotions. What do you feel pulled to do? See if you can simply return to noticing your own breath and allow yourself to act as a witness to this person’s emotions without getting attached to an outcome.
• To be able to see one’s own part in the pattern: Catch yourself playing out a familiar pattern, and ask, “What is my internal dialog and my emotional and somatic response? How does these answers contribute to the pattern in which I find myself?
• To be able to stay in one’s own body when triggered: When you are triggered, begin to notice your breath as it flows into and out of your body. Then notice your arms and legs.  Feel your awareness ground itself firmly back in your body.
• To feel emotions without being overcome by them: Try naming your emotion(s) as they arise, and note any somatic responses you perceive, as well. Bring a gentle, compassionate curiosity to this observation, and simply stay with describing your experience.

At the end of each day, write a bit about your experience of practicing something new and the situation in which you practiced it. What did you notice when you practiced your new action?

Before the next show, take some time to answer the following:

• What possibilities become available to me when I follow through with my new action?
• If I continue to practice these new actions, what effects might they have on how I interact with my family this holiday season?

Please take a moment to acknowledge the care, energy, and risk you invested by delving into this practice.

If you are having difficulty doing this practice or find that receiving feedback from another person would be helpful, time remains before the holiday to work with an Integral Coach. Click Here to take advantage of our special Home for the Holidays coaching package, and start working with your Integral Coach now!