Take the Red Pill

 I have for some time now been meaning to share my experience about a powerful program called the Red Pill Weekend.  It's an intensive transformational men's program that focuses on cultivating purpose, power and more intimacy.  The next one is coming up on August 21-22nd at Boulder Integral in Colorado.

Sharing this personal story is definitely vulnerable for me, and even more so since this post is somewhat of an advertisement for the event.  But since (like all things Integral) this work means so much to me, I have no shame in doing what I can to bring it more into the world.

A couple years ago, I began taking a much deeper dive into my relationship with, well… relationships.  I always had good friends in my life, but I consistently felt that many of my relationships were a bit "on the surface", I also had some social anxiety, and I was also dissatisfied with my intimate relationships.  I joined a men's group with several of my good friends here in Boulder and I immediately began to get results as I got more clarity, accountability, and challenge through the consistent support offered by the more intentional relationships I was developing with these men.

While in the past I typically felt nourished intellectually, there were emotional cravings that I hardly even knew were there, and once I started paying attention to them, I was shocked by how malnourished they were from internal abuse (i.e. a nasty shaming inner critic).  Even after many years of physical, cognitive, and contemplative training, I had many "blind spots" that I never allowed myself to see, but were clear as day to those that I was in relationship with (yes, this is definitely shadow work).  As I developed more growth-oriented relationships, these blind spots were inquired into and brought to the surface for me to see, recognize, and even remember where they came from and why I chose to employ them.  I saw how much I was working to control interactions instead of simply relating.  

I had a vivid experience of this and took a substantial leap forward in my interpersonal development when I attended the first Red Pill Weekend.  The name comes from the movie The Matrix, when Morpheus asks Neo to choose whether to take the blue pill--and continue living a life in ignorance, or take the red pill--and "see just how far the rabbit hole goes."  The program is designed to show men how they're showing-up in relationship, and through that awareness, have more choice and freedom moving forward in their lives.  Unlike other men's programs I've come across, I was particularly impressed by the amazing women facilitators at the Red Pill.  They are given a great deal of space to show-up with breathtakingly radiant femininity, totally in service of generating more authentic and masculine men.  Such an amazing gift that tragically has not been given much space in our culture… at least in my experience.

During one of the exercises where I was talking with one of these ladies, I had the familiar experience of getting lost in my head and clearly losing connection in the conversation.  The course facilitators immediately picked-up on what was happening and asked me about what I was noticing.  As I turned my attention towards noticing my experience, I saw how I was evaluating the situation as having only a right way and a wrong way.  I saw how I was forcing my experience into a constricted frame.  I was working so hard to manage and control the situation so that I would do it right, instead of actually relating to my experience and allowing it to unfold naturally.  It was like I was trying to get something, and I wasn't even sure about what I wanted!  As I continued to contract, I continued to shame myself--I was doing it wrong, therefore I was wrong.  I was failing, and the more I focused on this, the more I was in my head and stories and away from my bodily sensations and what was actually happening in the room and in this interaction.  I was coached to pay attention and describe what was happening in my body.  As I objectively did this, I quickly became more present and felt myself relax as I was no longer focused on what I was doing wrong.  I then noticed and felt how the woman I was interacting with was very connected with me and told me how much more relaxed she now felt and how curious she was about what I was experiencing.  Now, there was nothing that I did that brought my back into rapport, and in fact, focusing on doing was what had caused the difficulty in this first place.  I simply came back into relationship with myself which allowed me to relate with her too.  More importantly, I got a clear look at what was sending me into my head.  What before was a trait that I assumed was just part of who I was, I walked away having more choices made possible by my awareness of this personality feature.

I've lately become fond of the idea that the experience of integral is one of moving towards ever increasing degrees of wholeness.  As I identify a part of myself that's been disowned, I reintegrate it and become more whole as I cease to constantly battle with these aspects of my being.  Once I encountered and reintegrated this disowned part of myself, my experiences of life and relationships was never the same.  Much like resetting a dislocated shoulder, the process was painful, but I would most certainly never go back to the way it was before.  And I couldn't do it alone, I needed people that cared about me enough to tell me the truth about how I was showing up in the world, even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time.  My martial arts teacher is fond of asking: "Can you love someone enough to kick them?"  But it's not just a one-way process.  At the Red Pill Weekend, I also practiced and learned how much I could support and transform the other men in my life by giving them good, skillful, and challenging feedback.  I won't tell you about all the exercises at the weekend as they all involve powerful, experiential work, and are best encountered with a beginner's mind.

Of the many programs I've come across on my journey, I'm throughly impressed by how this workshop employs such a powerful combination of methodologies that has allowed me  to see so much more of myself in support of my growth and development.

Once again, this isn't easy to share in such a public forum, so thanks for baring with me.

If you know of any men who are interested in transformative work and taking the next deep cut into their relationships, please let them know about the upcoming Red Pill Weekends in Boulder.

To get more information, check out: RedPillWeekend.com