sick dog

my 10-year-old pomeranian has a collapsing trachea, which, combined with a malignant growth on her heart which is pushing against her trachea, is making it very difficult for her to breath.  She spends a lot of time coughing.  Our two grown sons, both in their early 20s, came home for the holidays, and have been having a hard time listening to the constant coughing and hacking.  It's very loud.  Once in a while my husband seems near to blowing a gasket after listening to it for hours.

In the morning I emerge from sleep listening to the hacking get louder and louder as she approaches the bedroom door. She stands at the door making noise until I get up and give her some food with meds in it. Some nights I get much less sleep than I need.  Sometimes it's hard not to feel annoyed.  I have to try to remember that love does not always mean feeling warm fuzzy feelings towards someone, but rather doing the right thing for them even when it's taxing and frustrating.

It's a similar situation with my demented mother-in-law.  With each passing month she gets more difficult to be around, and the sequellae from the visits to her nursing home get ever more severe. However, unlike with my dog, I was never close to my mother-in-law, but now feel the need to treat her with respect and dignity, and a sort of impersonal love.  It's very difficult.  She drains the energy out of my husband and the other family people who care for her.  Sometimes I feel angry about that, and can't help but think of her as a sort of vampire.  She was always manipulative and controlling, and she is even more so now it seems, even in the throes of her dementia.  But I don't want the relationship to end with bad feelings on the ascendant.  I want to struggle with my frustration and hostility, and try to create some sort of forgiveness before she dies.  I don't know why this is important to me.  I spend a lot of time thinking about it, getting mad at her, and trying to love her too.  It's very confusing.