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HIS Native Perspective: Action

Posted August 7th, 2009 by Sharon Schafer in Native Persptive

When my husband got home from work, after feeding him and allowing him to wind down, I convinced him to take the time in his exhausted mind to take the quiz.   I observed his willing relunctance, and worked with it, for it is the usual attitude I receive when we talk of such subjects, you know, matters of 'self improvement'.  All I wanted was for him to give it a chance.    I was not surprised when his native perspective was action.  The man LOVES sports.  His question when our little Maya wakes up too early on Saturday is "So what are we going to do today?"   Not to mention the lack of action leads to a restless grumpy stomps across our apartment.  In other words, if my husband starts getting grumpy, it means we got to find something to keep him busy...fast.

Now, in my initial vision, our native perspectives work fabulous together.   I create the systems to keep us busy, and with his quick reaction, we'd always have things done in no time.   Sounds like the dream team to me....Except that...we'll there are other issues to consider...

Like say, that with a young toddler running around, to claim time for myself, to figure things out, and create a plan, to achieve things effectively in a timely manner, is a high expectations.   To sum things up, when a friend was talking to me about how she looked into the burn out rate for her profession as a paralegal was five years and was proud that she lasted eight...the first question that came to thought was ... "I wonder what the burn out rate for a housewife is?"..

On my husband's end, he has a job that requires him to be up at 4 am to be at work at 6 am, and has school several times a week at night.   If that doesn't say exhausted, add a relationship and a child to the mix...there is no words that can describe the level of exhaustion my husband is experiencing, and how it is affecting everything else.   But bills have to be paid. 

Ever since I've begun to delve into Integral Theory though, it is like a cloud has been lifted.  At least now, there is some sort of way to put life in order, to see in clarity the whole picture.   

So what if it is not only about finding our native perspective but learning to how live in a balanced manner in all four, regardless of which one we have a tendency for.  And in returning to balance, once again I see the merging of my husband's and mine's native perspective as a great start.  

For in my case, if I fall into the habit of creating systems for all things all the time, I miss out on processing my inner experience of things, and putting action into the picture.  And in the case of my husband if he is just looking to do do do, without no plan, he deteriorates too quickly damaging his relationships and making his inner experience a messy blur of life.

So in addition to the challenges of the video I will keep in mind the goal of balance.  For that is one of the purposes of further exploration of the self, to put things back in their place.  

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5 out of 5 members found this useful.

Taking his native perspective and male mind into consideration..

Posted August 7th, 2009 by Sharon Schafer

In taking in Charles' comment, I tried to approach Josh from the perspective of 'the fixer', and was pleasantly surprised with both his response, and the realizations it brought about Josh.  

I asked Josh if it made it easier to face his anger if he observed himself more objectively. He asked me what I meant, and I gave him the following example, I said "Well, to me, for you to get upset with me when we talk about figuring out your anger is like you getting upset with me for asking you to figure out how to fix the refrigerator, or the air conditioner."  He layed on the carpet and stared at the ceiling, still calm, and with the wheels of his mind turning.   The fact that he wasn't mad yet, was a very, very good sign.  So I continued a bit more. "Fixing yourself is like when you repair a car, yes sometimes you got to pull the pieces out and apart, and yes sometimes you have to replace it with new ones, but all for the purpose of putting it back together again to make it work better than before.   All you are doing in looking at your emotions objectively and working on them, is fixing yourself up, to make your life better."  Once again, he listening calmly, and stayed calm. I left a pause to allow him to process it.   He then said what led to my realization of the whole situation, "I do want to fix myself, but I don't feel I have the tools."  Here I realized that he gets mad when we talk about his anger the same say he would get mad if he didn't have the tools he needed to fix the refrigerator.  The man does not feel equipped to fix, leading to a feeling of inadequacy, and in wanting to mask this, he gets angry.  

So my mind began twirling in trying to figure out what are the tools one needs to transform emotions.  Willingness, Openness, Self Awarness, Discipline...

He began to say he has never been able to figure out 'why' he has anger issues.  He feels like he's dealt with this problem since he can remember.  I said that if he continued to ask 'why' he wasn't asking for the solution to the problem, and that the correct question to be asking is 'how' to overcome the anger.   In this case, it seems most appropriate to begin to leave all the possible reasons 'why' behind, and focus on how to leave the anger behind instead.   He took this in with a little more trouble, but still remained calm.  

We talked a lot for the rest of the afternoon, and he mentioned that he was going to make effort to look at himself more objectively, and showed instant beneficial changes with the openness with which he talked to me and allowed me to talk to him.   It was great.   What stood out the most though, was that in finally being said in his language, and in finally understanding what I'd been trying to tell him, the inadequacy was eliminated.   His confidence increased dramatically.   I took the time to remind him I've never considered him uncapable of keeping up with me, and very much enjoyed his opinions.  

With a person whose native perspective is action, too much talk can be frustrating.   So in focusing on how to speak to him in his language, and stating the problem and the next point of action to take for a solution, was what he needed.  

The feeling of understanding we BOTH felt, was something I've been wanting to feel between us for a very long time.   --

SharonStar*

"Conquistada por la Verdad, y solo la Verdad"