On the longing for more

I notice, personally, a desire for as much information as possible about the recent past's continual unfolding into the present- whose degree varies with my desire for knowing the particular person, people, in the center, generating a piece of the situation, circumstance, context, environment, the moment-to moment unfolding, as I've heard Ken say, perhaps in a slightly different context. This desire goes into negative, I notice, the sensation of this I guess is called 'aversion' also proportionally to my aversion, or resistance to,- specific others having participated in certain activities, generating , in the past, certain situations about which I desire to know as little as possible, less than I do, if possible, but I'm not looking for uncertainty- no space for questions, in this case, nothing to unwittingly find myself exploring, suddenly, by some momentarily unattended movement of thoughts, or in my dreams.-no, thank you.

I want to know! And I would really rather not know, I could say I regret knowing. Obviously there has been some confusion about the particular pieces of information (experiential, or otherwise sensory, pieces or fragments of knowledge, realization, understanding)- to which I would agree to open my body and mind.

Hi Shikha - I just want to acknowledge that I hear and can relate some to your questions about longing, desire, or whatever are the right words for something in you that at times is wanting strongly and that sometimes is accompanied by anxiety. 

I don' t feel I understand much about all that at the moment, but feel some resonance with your attempt to articulate and with the directness with which you ask and present it.

Add into the situation of asking for ideas, direction, some easing of the prominence of discomfort (at those times) how you and we each seem to need to process things in our own way, and it may be that there is no getting an immediate resolution.

I find that there is a huge amount in my life about which I could benefit from caring and wisdom, but I am unable to let in much from other's words. Part of that is to do with a deep not trusting anyone as authority and as motivatored person more ordinarily. There may be a strong suspicious or even "paranoid" flow through my personality, from early on in life. (I don't mean that I am paranoid in a diagnostic category way, thought here may be features of that.) I really don't trust much in and of the world of people and much of life's natural circumstances. This may be partly why I don't easily dialogue, truly. This situation may not be that rare.

That's what comes up at the moment. Thanks.

In overview:

Desire & aversion are problematic only when they are partial.  The more general is becomes, the more it fluidly bleeds between circumstances and issues, the more it should be called a Sacred Impulse.  We hope that we are part of the organic emergence of an ethical-aesthetic unification of universal purposes into a singularity which expresses itself from moment to moment.  How nice!  But as it "comes online" it will be confronted by and resisted by everything lesser than itself.  So we feel this anxious, demanding, overwhelming, promising, dark insistence.  We are glasses of muck-filled water which are being cleaned out by the influx of fresh water from the tap.  How nice!  But this is going mean a lot of cloudy muck-swirling... more than would happen if we just left the glass alone and let the sediment settle.

Problem:

How to stay with it?  How to want to stay with it? 

Solution:

I promise you it's worth it.  You already strongly suspect that it is.  You have no choice anyway.  The rejection of the experience into actions does not ultimately succeed.

Problem:

The mind is greedy to extract data from the recent past as it unfolds into present circumstances & at the same time it is reluctant to tolerate the presence of people and situations that it finds stored in memory.

Possible Solutions:

1. Add an additional element to this experience so as to 'decompress' it.  Something which cannot be easily jettisoned.  Commit to an arbitrary focus point such as a pebble in your shoe, a constant monitoring of the subtle energy in the belly, the relationship between arising content and breath pattern, etc.
2. Decide that you care about the energy but not necessarily the information.  Treat past occasions tracing themselves upon the present as shells that need to be cracked open in order to nourish you with their gooey insides.  All "knowledge" and "possible responses" are the shell.  Do not eat the shell.  You will have to feel and drop your resistances in order to absorb the feel. 
3. Use experimental speaking-from-perspectives techniques to manage a conversation between your Need to Know and your Desire Not to Know.  Perhaps they can come to some agreement.  Both remember and forgetting have their place in a tidy psyche.  They just need to keep from interfering in each other's business.  Make a deal that for every unpleasant element whose sensations you tolerate while inquiring into it... you will happily permit one other element to be totally forgotten in the oblivion of utter un-interestingness.

Problem:

How is prior satisfaction related to incessant longing?

Solution:

If we find ourselves seeming/experientially separated from perfectly nourishing energy or value-feelings, if they seem to be promised on the other end of the desire... then our personal vessel is not quite intact.  As long as it seems like there is any move which could draw you closer in time or space to an existentially satiating site -- then we suffering from the compulsive, subliminal exporting of our core energy onto mental and emotional forms.  BUT this is not occurring, if the generalized enhancement-longing of Being is a motive force that is not trying to compensate for a deficiency but only to advance the patterning of the universe toward the harmonious-progressive telos -- then there is no conundrum between urge and contentment.  So the assumption of the possibility of separation from Value is to be undone.

Thanks, I've been...

Layman Pascal