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Zero Negativity

Posted August 8th, 2011 by Stanley in Relationship

Psychologist Harville Hendrix reminds us how deeply we are affected by our first four years of life. A large part of our later life seems to involve a need to heal emotional injuries we suffered during this time. In our first year of life this might be related to attachment, second year exploration, and third year identity.

In our later relationships, especially our intimate relationships, we have the opportunity to make these wounds worse or to heal them. A healing relationship is one in which zero negativity is practiced. This means that we do not judge the other in order to put them down and show them to be a not OK person. I guess we judge and put down to try to make our self feel superior but it does not work. When we do this we suffer as much as the other.

Harville believes that God dwells in the midst of loving and thriving relationships. Perhaps we could practice trying to create some of these in our lives and even in our community here.

Some people have achieved such a wonderful relationship that they are overwhelmed by an overabundance of psychological health, wholeness, love, and gratitude together. They then turn this love outwards to serve the World together. This sounds like a most magnificent kind of wealth to me.

http://www.soundstrue.com/podcast/harville-hendrix-relationships-the-brain-and-zero-negativity/?#bottom

http://northernway.org/ImagesforBlog/YeshuaMagdaleneWasForgiveness.jpg

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Stage Dependent

Posted August 8th, 2011 by Jennifer Grove

Hi, Stanley.

I think this is a good ethic for people who are expressing a certain Stage of Moral Development - maybe Blue/Amber. That seems to be the Stage where those kinds of things are taught and learned. But as people develop, this ethic is outgrown and replaced by something better.

I'm thinkin' that most of us here are past that, tho there are some who still subscribe to the idea that there are good feelings and impulses vs. bad feelings and impulses. The impulse to Judge is one of those that gets a bad rap, and for a while during one's Spiritual Formation, it is an important ethic to adopt.

For people who never had any Moral or Character Formation at all - which, unfortunately, may be some of us in these forums - this might be a good one to tack on to their list of ethics to adopt. There are all sorts of Traditions that have lists of ethical attitudes and behaviors to adopt. This is a common one of hundreds.

But many of us are actually way past this and require different standards for both ourselves and our partners to live by.

"The Left Hand Path, not merely the Right ... must take the lead."

~SES pg. 148

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Respectfully Disagree

Posted August 9th, 2011 by Stanley in response to Stage Dependent

I think that Harville treats a lot of people who think they have outgrown the need to practice in a healing environment relationship of non-harm but they are not psychologically healthy and their realtionships are not perfect. I think Harville would say they are just trying to fool themselves.

I think that a very good relationship would look like this, which I posted above;

I think that Harville would say that even if a couple has achieved this they would still need to continue to practice in a healing environment relationship to maintain this way of being. He also wrote of how the practice of healing environment is the best practice for achieving and maintaining being integral. I agree with him.

And the proof is in the pudding. When we see integral couples who are psychologically healthy and whole freely serving the World out of a feeling of overabundance and gratitude we can ask them how they achieve and maintain this way of being. I have not yet met many such couples yet. Has anyone else? Is anyone reading along in such a relationship? How do you maintain it? How do you freely serve the World together?

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I agree with both of you.

Posted August 9th, 2011 by Shikha Sabharwal in response to Respectfully Disagree

i think that one important thing in a chosen partnership, is not to make one's partner the 'enemy'. And not to condemn. I think also that it's true that many of us do judge others wittingly or unwittingly, especially others who maybe trigger some sort of insecurity or some kind of something from our childhood, or whatevs. :) And I think that it's helpful to share judgements that have come up, or that one is holding on to, from the day or whatevs, with the beloved, and, having done so, it becomes pretty much natural to let them go. Of course, this depends on people...&c.

It can be a challenge to maintain that, maybe, but actually, in my experience, it gets easier really quickly. I was in a relationship where we both tried to practice this, most of the time. When it began, I didn't know much about being around others very well, and I was guilty of kind of unnecessarily becoming upset at my former partner, who, at one point, with infinite patience somewhat consumed by the hurt of my being a lot like an iron wall chamber fortress, just looked at me and said, "what are you doing? it's me." but after a couple years, or maybe a few, this ideo of naming the other perfect as is, became to seem like kind of a natural way to relate. I think it also helped us really know when it was over, and to end it gracefully, with no one adding piles of whatevs. to her relationship-history woundednesses.

I think that there's a difference between noticing, (maybe even making a list)- of the things that someone in the relationship wants to change, as far as their partnership experience, and in criticizing (sp?) the love of one's life. I've found it to be good to talk about things honestly, that a space of agreeing not to condemn the other, allows for this. This can be done in a number of ways, i think. again, it depends on people...&. yo. in my experience, it brings people closer, and almost always, both partners want the same thing.

i think it's good to hold as an ideal, anyways, for certain.

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That's What I Get

Posted August 10th, 2011 by Jennifer Grove in response to Respectfully Disagree

....when I make comments when I'm really tired. LOL

The part that I am specifically responding to is this:

" A healing relationship is one in which zero negativity is practiced. This means that we do not judge the other... "

I am not responding to what you are describing here:

"the need to practice in a healing environment relationship of non-harm"

...or here:

"the practice of healing environment"

I did not listen to the podcast. I was only responding to the bit that you wrote. I am listening to the podcast now.

...

At 6:35 he begins to talk about the problem of lack of helpful mirroring during childhood. The panic that arises when a child has no confirmation that its experience is real and okay creates an emotional memory that corrupts all experiences of difference after that event. New events can trigger Death Terror since it is linked to the Parent/Life-giver thru the original experience.

That is the source of the problem and whatever heals that is what is important. Whether we do that thru making rules or some other way is not as important. Personally, rule-making will only drag me backwards because it repeats the original problem by not appropriately mirroring my emotional experience back to me. That is not healing. It disallows me to have the emotional experiences that I am having and brings up the Death Terror. This is not hypothetical. I need a different way than this, and I am not alone.

I mostly thot it would be obvious by now that I am in favor of healing environments.

Does that make more sense?

"The Left Hand Path, not merely the Right ... must take the lead."

~SES pg. 148

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