Coaches' Corner: My Family ~ Accepting “What Is” & Moving Forward with My Life

Cultural myths say that families and holidays are synonymous and that participating in them is a jovial, loving, and intrinsically rewarding endeavor. My family seems to have a spectacular talent for defying these supposed norms. Amazingly, we keep coming together, as if hoping that by showing up in body, we might achieve a new spirit. Regrettably, I know many who share my experience.

One particularly memorable Thanksgiving in my family went like this:

We gathered hands as my mother (my half-siblings’ step-mother) led us in saying the same prayer she’d recited at every meal since she was a child: “Come Lord Jesus, be our guest. Let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen.” In classic form, she concluded by launching a dagger at my gay half-brother: “But one of us is going to hell.” I witnessed him flinch in pain, then quickly suppress his reaction. Without skipping a beat, she turned toward my father and asked, “Would you please pass the potatoes?” My father obliged, choosing to be oblivious to what had just taken place. Cold silence ensued for a few moments. Then my father went on his favorite rant, citing logic to justify his disgust for my half-siblings. Thirty years ago, a violent war would have ensued between them. Despite the tension, I resisted the urge to intervene.

Driven by fear, I spent decades striving to be perfect enough to end my family’s suffering – to heal the rifts between my parents and between them and my half-siblings. I pursued self-development with fervor in hopes of transcending my heritage and inspiring my family to grow with me. It didn’t occur to me that their development wasn’t mine to own. I didn’t want to accept “what is” because I didn’t want to grieve the loss of my ideal, nor did I want to rock the boat. At the same time, saying “no” to development wasn’t an option.

Integral Coaching exposed the paradox that kept me from taking my own seat in life. I believed I had to abandon myself lest my parents abandon me, as they had my half-siblings. The more I abandoned my ‘self’, the more I reinforced my ego’s lethal angst that I had no place in the kosmic play.

My personal Integral Coaching practices tethered me to the gross realm – to my physicality and to my core strength. They also awakened me to non-dual Unity with “all that is”. By slowing down, noticing and accepting “what is”, breathing, sitting in meditation, learning to tolerate ambiguity, and acknowledging my anger, I became capable of giving myself permission to be happy while still connecting to my and others’ suffering.

I wish I could say that going through this process was blissful, straightforward, and easy. By no means! My pride and shame resided cozily in the shadowy recesses of my heart, even though I knew I was their hostage. I derived many benefits from being the “golden child” in my family system. I was “special” and “defective”. I had attention and power. At any given moment, I might take up the role of parent to my parents and half-siblings or recruit my parents into rescuing me so they felt powerful and needed. It was intense, and I loved every minute of it. Why be “ordinary” and balanced (i.e., DULL) when creating and managing chaos left me feeling so vitalized?

By attempting to control myself and my loved ones in this way, I felt safe. I had no idea I was so invested in maintaining this role in my family until I was invited to see it and let it go. My pride, shame, and thirst for drama had to dissipate. It took 4 months of diligently doing my practices before I could let myself rest into the equanimity I desperately wanted. It took a full year before I felt solid in my ability to choose peace and accept “what is” – in me, in others, in the grand scheme of things…and to consistently show up in service in a grounded way. I had to build the heart, mind, body, spirit, and morals of someone who could skillfully choose to be balanced and intense. Integral Coaching not only helped me do that in a substantial way, but it offered me what years of therapy, other forms of coaching, and umpteen other self-help methods hadn’t.

On this particular holiday, I did the unprecedented with skillful means.

The conversation turned to my nephew, a Marine who had just returned from Afghanistan. In addition to being a Certified Integral Coach, I have a MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and am trained to treat traumatic stress disorders. However, my family does not believe in the validity of what I do. I knew an unprecedented number of U.S. soldiers were returning from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD, so I decided to simply stand with my professional competence. In hopes of serving my nephew, I asked if his command was receiving adequate care. He replied, “They say I have PTSD and keep telling me to seek help, but I don’t believe in talking about my feelings. I don’t want them messing with my head.” His body language screamed, “I’m afraid. I need to stay strong because I’m a marine. My wife and kids depend upon me.” With compassion, I said, “Yes, the military is facing a dilemma. It essentially trains you to not feel - to not be vulnerable - so that you can go to war, and going to therapy to treat PTSD involves just the opposite. Many soldiers want help, but they equate going to therapy with being crazy. They fear they’ll lose their reputations and their jobs if they seek treatment.” My nephew’s face softened as he gazed at me, speechless… and then all hell broke loose.

In rare form, my parents and half-siblings united in loud protest against therapy, coaching, liberalism, and all other forms of “narcissistic self-love.” An eerie feeling arose as I witnessed them rip my professional and personal identity asunder without directly referencing me. My Integral Coach training has prepared me to not only “Look AT” others, but to also “Look AS” them, including how they see, act, speak, and ensure things are going okay.  I experienced a bizarre mix of pure compassion and equanimity, and at the same time, a clear conviction that it was time to leave. A scripture from the Bible came to mind: “…forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Yes, forgive them, forgive myself, and gently leave. Given their stage of development, my family members exude reactivity, as they are unable to reflect on themselves, let alone consider another’s perspective or notice their impact. To their dismay, I interrupted the family pattern of just ‘taking it’, sincerely wished them a happy Thanksgiving, and left without further explanation. 

By relentlessly pushing through my own resistance for standing fully in my own life, I came to embody a new paradigm: I already belong. I AM fundamentally connected. I am held, and I can hold my ‘self’. I accept myself and my family “as it is” in this moment and I feel equanimity in attending to “what’s wanting to emerge” right now.

Moreover, I have created an exquisite family of choice with whom I may spend certain holidays. These members have the capacity to see and to hold me, and I them. Nonetheless, my love for my biological family remains intact. I simply engage them with greater discernment, and strangely, with this new equanimity, with greater love and growing skill from family event to family event. I am extraordinarily blessed.

The Integral Coaching process and coaches supported me in changing from the inside out and the outside in. If this window into my experience of being with family over the holidays resonates with you, I’d love to know how.

I addition, I’d like to offer you a few questions to support you in exploring your role in your family during this holiday season:

How do you benefit from taking up your familiar role in your family? And what does it cost you?

How does your family benefit from your assuming this role? What does it cost them?

What emotions and physical sensations arise as you consider the possibility that your family members may never be able or willing to develop with you?

What would become available to you if you were able to accept “what is” and move forward with your life beyond the family?

May you also know loving-kindness, forgiveness, and freedom from suffering this holiday season.

Warm Regards~

Susan Hodges

Certified Integral Coach 

Catch Susan Hodges in conversation with Integral Coach Huy Lam as they dive deeper into the topic of going home for the holidays in Integral Life’s first ever FREE TELESMINAR.  Love, Not War: Going Home For the Holidays