Shadow with both elements

Yes the term "orange" is from Spiral Dynamics, but basically, it isn't like we need to read that book, it is just that it presents it as a formal model... So in that model, "orange" is what they call the stage that is mostly about individual ambition, the "self-made man" The model has about 8 stages, "beige", "purple", "red", "blue", "orange", etc. In the previous stage, "blue", you were either born into a good position in society or you wern't, and so "you knew your place" in the hierarchy, in the caste system, as a serf under a Lord or a Kings, or whatever. But at "orange" the culture says, look, you can become anyone, you can become president, it is up to you and your own ambition and skill and hard work. So "orange" is the modern world. "Blue" is the world of Kings and The Church and hierarchies and empires in the old world sense.

So how does this relate to me.... really for me, when I was a kid, I remember I had the desire to become "an architect" or "an astronaut" or something. I'd have a sense of ambition, purpose, desire to go out and do something. But in my teens, when I should have been developing that ambition and finding out about the world and jobs and interests, instead I retreated, for various reasons, and even came to believe that "ambition" was a bad impulse. 

But these days it seems to me, that desire for ambition and success never actually went away -- I just repressed it. I can tell because people who have certain successful qualities cause in me a strange reaction. I like those people, but I feel very uncomfortable around them. And I find it very difficult to imagine myself in their shoes. So I don't know what it is about all that, whether I have envy or jealousy or some other emotion, but whatever it is, I do know it is repressed and hard to experience. 

For example, Ken Wilber sometimes takes questions on the phone and he's done that with people from the forums. When I got to ask him a question, I found it reeeeallly uncomfortable and afterwards I was depressed all week. So I've had some weird reaction. But as for Wilber, I could just see that as a fact, he's worked incredibly hard and achieved a lot. And that is OK to just notice. But I don't just notice it, when I think about it, I also feel really uncomfortable. So why would I feel uncomfortable about what is actually a really healthy and good quality? So that's why I feel I have shadow issues around that stuff. And it isn't just Wilber, but various other people who all seem to have some sort of celebrity or business success achievement. I met an old guy from the BBC once, a rather famous TV guy, and I was again really uncomfortable around him.