Enlightened ...and Depressed?

If you consider your own personal spiritual development a feat, add to that not only the daily duties of the house, but the physical, emotional, and spiritual development of all other family members.   To build an integral family house hold from scratch is one hell of a recipe to put together.   

I hear what you are saying.  I have 8-year old twins and have been with them almost 24 hours a day for the past 8.5 years.  I did the attachment parenting thing, breastfeeding, the homeschool thing, Integral parenting, meditation, study, with my supportive husband.  Before that we were married for 15 years, studied, meditated, were on the fast path for inner searching and spirituality. At times, I wasn't sure if I could go on.  Thank goodness my husband go laid off from work when my kids were 2.5 years old.  I got a bit of a break!  But, what lengths to go to?

I hear your exhaustion, and have been there myself, kinda learned to live in various shades of it, actually.  The body is only so strong.  Exhaustion, imbalances, even chemical imbalances (temporary or long term), pain, illness (sometimes viruses we don't know about), long hours caring for others, getting very little sleep (big one), and being in go, go, go mode can "do in" the most enlightened. I have a layer of chronic health conditions (chemical sensitivities & fibromyalgia) that cause deep pain and exhaustion.  I quit a good job to stay home with my kids and after a few years, I was wonder if I would ever have a chance to regenerate with fulfilling pursuits, more social life, and just time for myself.

I have drawn a line in the sand this year for my own life to try and get some kind of break. My kids are going to school for the first time (not sure how long that will last), and although I should be working to support the family financially, I have decided to TRY and take as much time off as possible to regenerate my health, thus regenerate my mind & spirit.  I feel like this is the first time since becoming a parent that I could possibly try this, and it may not last long.  I was much more exhausted when my kids were under 5 years of age, especially 3 and under.  We moved and have no family nearby.  We have developed a social group, but they are spread out all over a major metro area, making physical support harder.

It does often feel like the exhaustion will never end,  but what a way to burn off all that inner noise, with detached witnessing.  We can just keep trying!

Just want to let you know you are not the only exhausted, "enlightened" mother out there!

 Anne Tyler Lord
Storytelling from the space of Integral Consciousness
Integral Poetry, Prose

Thank you for sharing your story. It parallels the stories of others I know well.

Parenting is seriously hard work, and should not be underestimated. Also, going through intense spiritual transformation can be it's own source of stress.

I highly recommend checking out the book Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome and following the protocols therein. Many people with depression--especially after dramatic spiritual transformation--are suffering from adrenal fatigue. Spiritual and personal work totally burned me out and I had no idea what happened to me. I'm still recovering, but the good news is that even just a few short months of self-care on a program like this can make an enormous difference in energy levels. Get support for following through if you can.

The other factor to consider is after any awakening experience there is usually a long time for integration, sometimes including a "dark night" period. Surrender and letting go of old ways of being is usually the theme. Be exquisitely kind to yourself as your awakenings integrate.

Best of luck with the parenting, and the fatigue and depression.

~Duff McDuffee
http://beyondgrowth.net

What have we done?  Your story feels like my story albeit in a different consciousness, culture and country. Thankyou.

I waited until I was somewhat on the path of  spiritual health before I felt comfortable enough to have my kids so I was 40 with a reasonably successful career and sense of self when my first child (a daughter) came along.  "Accidently" falling pregnant again with my son at 42 was a scenario I hadn't figured on. Exhaustion has had to become my friend, we have no family nearby and have found building friendships that matter a little difficult to be honest.  My only saving grace is the Buddhist Center I belong to where I can go and find some peace and companionship occassionally.  My children are now 9 and 7 though and it took a long time before I felt able to have the luxury of a few hours of time for my spiritual development. Depression is a funny thing isn't it?  Mine feels completely biological, and when it lifts magical. Just one morning I wake and the fog is gone.  I have long wished to know where the magical button is but for me the only leveller in not knowing is that I'm finally starting to truly understand in my cells that a compassionate act is one that eases the suffering in the system ( me included)   :-)

Jo

Your life circumstances seem very similar to mine.  I have two children, 8 and 3, who I have raised using the attachment parenting method minus the homeschooling.  My 3 1/2 year old son is still breastfed.  I am separated from my husband now and work part-time as a lawyer.  There are moments when I look at my kids and can see them as they truly are - luminous and perfect.  But most of the time I find myself totally identified with my chattering mind.  Depression is a problem for me too.  In fact, I cycle between bliss and depression.  Bliss comes when I believe a constant stream of positive thoughts.  Depression comes when I believe a constant stream of negative thoughts. 

I had an awakening several months ago.  I suddenly knew that I was "God".  My mind interpreted this by delivering up lots of positive, empowering thoughts.  The kind of thoughts that "God" would have (ha,ha).  I had incredible experiences.  Miracles happened constantly throughout my day.  Everyone was me and I was filled with love and appreciation for everything.  No negative thoughts entered my head or if they did they were immediately dismissed.  That lasted for about two weeks.  The positive thoughts slowly began to be replaced by negative thoughts and the feelings/external experiences changed to match the thoughts.  Most of the thoughts are negative now and the burden of them is so huge that I can hardly bare to schlep my body around another day.  I wake up in the morning and my first thought is "Here we go again!  When is it all going to be over?" I've been feverishly watching spiritual teachers on Youtube and their message is clear and unwaivering: there is only one way to get out off the rollercoaster ride - stop believing thoughts.  The mind has nothing to offer - no insights, no wisdom, no treasures.  Look for the spaces between the thoughts and notice that we're not in control of anything that happens - not even what we say or do.  We're not in control of whether we have a tidy house or whether we get angry with my kids. These body-minds are being lived, by nobody.

So, starting today, RIGHT NOW in fact, I'm going to watch what is actually going in front of my eyes rather than listen to the commentary.                  

Is enlightenment not a continual moment by moment journey, rather than a fact written in stone?

Blessings and encouragement for your journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It touched me very deeply. I can sense the sorrow in your words, even if I don't have children myself. It's so good to read also about the hard times that occur on the spiritual path, because mostly people seem to tend to present only the wonderful and blissful aspects to the outer world.

I sometimes feel pretty isolated and lonely with my experiences of depression, not many people know the difficulties one faces when confronting the shadow and the vast silence in which it appears. It seems paradoxical, but even if the energy level of the whole system has risen up profoundly the last months, it seems possible to feel completely strung out at the same time!

So thank you again for sharing your feelings with us, I'll include you in my Tonglen-practice.

I have struggled with depression off and on throughout my life while pursuing a spiritual path as well.  I was on medication which seemed to help somewhat but gave up the medication this year because of the side effects.  I have blurred vision (especially at night) because of LASIK surgery I had in 1998.  I figured out that the medication increased my pupil dialation which increased the blurriness.  

Sometimes I witness the depression arise and it hurts but I still know I'm ok.  At other times, the depression seems overwhelming and all I can do is cry, rock back and forth, and wait for the moment to pass. 

I comfort myself by recognizing that my personality wants things and is depressed.  I don't believe spirit is depressed or lonely or dissatisfied.  I think of my personality as my own pet and watch myself from a spiritual place of love and compassion.

But the depression still arises.  Sometimes I read a lot of philosophical things on this website which don't move me emotionally.  Or I read posts that include emotion but make it seem like it's all sweetness and light.  Your post was emotional and touched me.  And it certainly wasn't all sweetness and light.  It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  Not that I wish depression on you or anyone, I don't.  It's just nice to be able to share about my depression without feeling like a freak. 

So, I wanted to thank you for sharing.  I wish you the best.  I do believe that somehow and someway every little thing is going to be alright.  I just don't know how exactly.  But I trust in spirit while I witness the pain.  

Thanks again,

Bryan

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I'm going to start with sharing the gratitude my heart feels at this moment with recieving your responses, filled with empathy and compassion.   It is in my own experience, and I note in other as well, that sometimes all we need to feel the depression lifted, is heard and understood.   You have all done both for me beautifully, and I cannot be grateful enough for this.  I've often made the realization within that we can embrace our divinity more fully by embracing our humanity.   There is a unique beauty to being human, in this realm where the emotional state arises so acutely.   I wish that we all keep in touch and that we all continue to share our experience with openness, for the best act of compassion between a group is that we can offer the support for further liberation, as we slide and sometimes tumble down the rabbit hole.  

Thank you to Anne, Lisa and Jo for sharing your story. It's great to know I am not alone in seeking balance between my family life and spiritual development.  

Anne: I'm so glad you drew that line in the sand.   Although in the eternal/spirit sense we are capable of doing anything, it is of worthy revelation in human terms to accept our limits, and respect them.   I'm on that road myself, determined to find that time for myself, to be able to offer myself, and my family more.  

Lisa:  Taking the action to detatch from thoughts is an incredibly transformative feat to take on, and incredibly rewarding.  This is something I began to practice before I had children, and boy is there a difference, for your handling not only your own mind, but the minds of your little ones!   In consistancy though, I've found myself increasingly able to look beyond my toddler's whiny mumblings and find much quicker the root of what she needs by not attatching to my thoughts or hers.   Misidentification with mind is incredible to release, for it is the door way to clearing the static and finally hearing in clarity the sound voice of Spirit, even when the static tries to come back.  

Jo:   It is such a 'magical' experience when depression lifts! The difference between this depression and all others I have had is that it is the most awakened and in tune with myself that I have been, not to mention that I'm in a very stable and happy period of my life right now, aside this cloud hanging over.   I've always noted this periods as a sort of purging, for the shadow we carry is constantly coming back to show modes of improvement.   So as I know I purge another deep setted part of me that was lodged in as my vibration rises, I'm more aware, and more detatched than ever, but still find it a deeply emotional and exhausted experience.   Curious don't you think?

Duff:  Thank you for the book suggestion, I love finding a new read! I've read into, mainly on web sites and personal memoirs, of this very exhaustion, and the toll the spiritual path can take on the body, and have questioned if this is what is going on.   I will definately check it out! Thanks!

Sascha:   The most intense depression I experienced in this life happened before I had kids, or husband.   I was in a period of my life where I was completely alone.  I was traveling, and observing the world intensely, trying to make sense of its working, hoping it would give me a glimpse to my own inner workings.   In retrospect, I see this 'dark night' as one of the most intense and beautiful experiences I've had in my life, but during it was one of the most overwhelming and exhausting.  Like running a long, long, marathon.  'Just a little bit further.' I would tell myself constantly.   The loneliness is marked by the incredible transformations that happen within that make one feel very different from the rest of the human race, and I dont' know about you, but in person, I had no one I could even begin to tell my happenings to.  It's a journey of courage, and perserverance, and I respect you deeply for taking it.  It's chaotic, and seems a turmoil of an existance it face your shadow head on, but I got to tell you, when you've overcome it, it turns out to be existential genious, for the strength and wisdom built, is far beyond learning to eloquantly talk about 'candy and roses'.   It's about  being real and getting beyond duality.  I wish you take it further, right now, without less obligations is a perfect time.  I wish you the best.  

Bryan:  I wish I could offer you a big long hug.  So here goes a 'cyber hug'. :-)   In times where our inner desires our being dismantled, we can feel like we are falling apart, but it's a falling apart that is worth undergoing to see the grander spectrum of things.   Know that your greatest desires could fall through the cracks, and you will still find a way to get through, and even a release will be felt, for what we find curves that hunger at a much deeper level.   The gift of honest sharing is what we have here.   To listen and be heard without judgement.   I had my high school counselor give me great advice back in the day. He said "The point of venting is to get it out of yourself, just get it out, so you know it's not in you, and that you do not carry it alone."   Sharing my experiences, even the painful, exhausting and emotional ones, definately does make a world of a difference.  

Antionette:  Yes Definitely.  'Enlightment' is a term used to refer to an 'awakening' that happens within that shifts the perception with which we take in the world.  Same body, same world, but a completely different perception of it.   Perceptual evolution, per say.   It is a glimpse at our capacity for inner growth.  Definitely not a constant, but an eternal journey we can always take further.  

Once again thank you all for reading, for sharing, this really bring a feeling of community to this place in my heart.   I urge you all to please continue to openly share your experiences either in blog, or is message, or in your own personal journal, whichever is of your choice.   I leave knowing I am not alone, I am understood, and can now take on my day with much more ease.  

Baby Einsein is over, and it's time to make breakfast, sorry for the typos.  I wish you the best.  --

SharonStar*

"Conquistada por la Verdad, y solo la Verdad"

Thank God. I was exhausted just reading the list of stuff you're up to your neck in. If I had to do all of that all the time I'd be depressed too. No... I'd shoot myself.

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