A Note from Dr. Keith

We feel observed all the time. We feel observed by our conscious selves and inner critics. We feel observed by others–by our real and imagined tribes, by the people we pass on the street—because we are tribal beings, evolved to need each other. We feel observed by our inner selves constantly, because self-aware consciousness is self aware. Collectively, I call all the felt observers the invisible audiences. The invisible audiences help us be moral and self-regulating, guide us socially, and encourage us to be good. The invisible audiences also can torment us. We especially suffer from our inner critics, the most difficult parts of us to deal with as well as necessary partners in our personal evolution.

The invisible audiences are ubiquitous because humans are intensely social. Most of our brains are dedicated to social relationships and social referencing with real and imagined others. We walk through the world under the gaze of invisible audiences—always more or less supportive and approving, critical or condemning.

Most unconscious values are those we believe we share with our tribes—our families, teams, towns, religions, political parties, nations, etc. If we feel observed violating these values, our unconscious generates shame emotions.

When we feel critically observed by the invisible audience, a shame emotion arises to pressure us to not violate a value. The shame family of emotions includes guilt, mortification, and moral self-disgust (a particularly nasty combination of shame and disgust). Shame feels personal, as if a person is criticizing and attacking us for doing something wrong, making us bad. As we develop from infancy onward, we absorb and internalize painful critical energy from parents and others, with which we cocreate our inner critics. As we’ve all experienced, inner critics seem quick to attack and chastise us when triggered by real or imagined transgressions.

Inner critics correct and remand us—often with the voices, energies, and words of angry or exhausted caregivers from our past. The positive functions of inner critics are to help us be virtuous and to follow social rules. This is the main function of shame emotions, to help mammals be social, and all mammals socialize their offspring with approvals generating good feelings, and disapprovals generating shame emotions. The destructive functions of inner critics are obvious—they torment us, punish us, criticize and demean us.

If you can feel your inner critic right now, imagine him or her in front of you—try to see their face. Look them in the eyes and say, “I’m going to help you grow into an ally and a guide.” What is the expression on their face as you say this? Angry? Scornful? Indifferent? Hopeful?

You might want to do this exercise daily for the next month See if anything changes in the expressions on your inner critic’s face. See if you feel differently at all towards your inner critic as the days pass.