I’m 13 minutes into Witt’s video on loving completely and, no doubt, he offers good advice. And while it’s understood that the five star questions need to be thought out with care and undivided attention, who is going to do it and live up to them? We have self help books up to our eye balls and women are the ones most likely to read them but the question arises, are they proactive in the advice given in these books? If so, to what degree and for Christ sake, where are they?
As much as I hate to admit it, but I’ve been an involuntary celibate for 12 years. Why? Because it’s impossible to find women who are genuinely interested in cultivating a healthy relationship. Even the highly educated are as emotionally illiterate and even stupid as the common man on the street when it comes to gaining a greater understanding of love. You would think that reading the many personal profiles from women at midlife, they would have gained greater maturity from life and especially from their previous amorous relationships. Unfortunately, what they have to say is utterly demoralizing to read. It’s rare to find a woman who can say she’s emotionally matured from her past by making its presence felt in her profile. It seems as if it’s asking too much of women- and even men- to take their emotional lives seriously by picking up a book like Witt’s. Or how about the many videos on youtube from eminent psychologist Dr. Esther Perel, who is truly exceptional in revealing the deep seated problems that arises in relationships. Or how about Alain De Bottom’s brilliant talk at the Sidney Opera house on Romanticism where he reveals the many ways in which the narratives of love that we were born into are actually harmful. I listened to Alain’s talk 4 times because all that he said resonated with my own experience and he confirmed that we can’t go on like this because it’s making us dumb and stupid and what’s worse is that far too many people are still under the spell of romantic love spoon fed into us by the novel and film industry. People die, kill, and get depressed for love. How can that possibly be love? But the masses think of it as normal. Unlike them, I woke up from this spell and I never thought it would be a lonely place since women don’t understand me. In addition, it seems that most people are not interested in learning to love better despite continued suffering from ignorance and lack of self awareness. That I would find a woman who has at least a modicum of interest in what Witt has to say, would be tantamount to winning the lottery.

I’ve made a game out of this. I love to watch shows and movies and then spot the unhealthy behaviors, lines, and underlying beliefs at play which create an interesting story. I think one of the best indicators of a truly good story (and good writing) is once the unhealthy beliefs are exposed there’s still an interesting story to tell. This is very rare, as so many writers rely on dysfunctional relationships to drive the story.

I really enjoyed One Mississippi, which shows characters with unhealthy beliefs and conditioning that limits their perspective and behaviors, but which also shows those characters growing out of those limitations.

Have you heard of polyamory? Some (but definitely not all) of those folks no longer prescribe to traditional romantic notions of love, and have grown to be able to maintain multiple healthy intimate relationships. There are a lot of folks who can’t manage a single healthy relationship yet (often using polyamory as a crutch), too, but they are usually pretty easy to differentiate after a little bit of conversation about relationships. I see it as a way of identifying and acknowledging that healthy relationship is when autonomous persons come together in interrelationship that benefits all parties, whereas traditional notions of romantic love usually involve dominance/submission roles rather then equally shared power.

I think this approach is an awesome way to grow and build healthier relationship skills, without needing an intimate relationship to practice on. As I’ve learned and become more aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns (mostly from my childhood programming), I’ve been able to reform some of my family relationships and help my family members grow past their original childhood programming. I’ve felt more satisfied with and grateful for these relationships as well.

I think that is a common experience that we think we are alone and nobody to talk to with whom it would be fun. That’s why we organise video chats peer to peer and if you are interested to join, you are welcome. Integral Zoom Meetings